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4mo Nairobi, Kenya Story
The Rhythm of Depression

"Depression is real. It’s like a thick cloud that refuses to ease up, it starts as a simple cover that doesn’t dissipate. It solidifies and drops like a boulder on your shoulders piercing into your mind and soul. It never seems to let up.

There are moments it lifts after a series of exasperating heaves and pushes for a moment the sun pierces through this colossal mass of gloom with a ray of hope. A hope that even when you attempt to clasp on to seeps through your grasp, and soon the clouds build and the greyness overwhelms your entire being.

The boulder outweighs you and drops like a thud sealing you into a cave of hopelessness and unhealthy coping. For me it’s always been pica – a relentless craving for a crunchy sensation in my mouth only fulfilled by raw rice. 2 kg of raw rice vanishes in a matter of days, not used to prepare a sumptuous meal, but wolfed down, after a wash, spoon by spoon from a cup to the last crunch. The feeling of the rice grinding between my teeth provides a slight reprieve.

If all goes well, the reprieve lasts for at least a few days to avoid eating raw rice daily. But at times even the daily succumbing to devouring raw rice doesn’t satisfy the depression. Soon food becomes the comfort. The sugarier, the greasier the better. As the calories slide down my throat to cushion my soul and the pounds pile. My soul only feels content for only a moment before the self-loathing sets in.

The inability to fit in clothes that slid on a few weeks earlier and the rounder face make me vomit at the sight. Soon the thought of seeing another day feels like punishment, I must fight. I cannot face another day, so I prolong the day we are currently in.

Graham Norton has never felt so good, such a relief, the laughter, the fun, celebrities being themselves, unashamed, goofy, unapologetic. They are who I want to be, who I want to become. How can my existence be imbued by the excellence I see in these entertainers? Goodbye Graham Norton, hello Google search, tell me the deepest secrets of brilliance. How do I fight the fear I have within me? How do I eliminate the self-doubt? How do I find a reason to live again?

Myles Munroe. I see you, I click and find the secrets, the secrets of purpose and gifting. What is my gifting? All I knew, understood and was good at I have no drive to deliver. How do I get out of this hole? How do I rid myself of this boulder weighing me down?

T.D. Jakes, Robin Shamar, Eckhart Tolle…

 “Where there is anger, there is pain beneath.”

 Eckhart! What kind of quote is that? That isn’t a revelation, that is a statement of fact. Now I am angry. They are all men, what do they know? I reach out for the copy of Lean In sitting by my bedside.

The cock crows outside, its 5 am, I need to shut the reality of another day out as I pray that today, a new day, I should be grateful for; doesn’t suck as bad as yesterday! Good night!"

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