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What'sActuallyGoingOninWomen'sBathrooms?

Samaria Johnson
over 2 years Missouri, United States Story
What's Actually Going On in Women's Bathrooms?

People are getting ridiculously heated about the possibility of someone who was biologically born with male anatomy being in a women’s bathroom. They assume that women are fragile little creatures that cannot possibly relieve their bladders knowing that someone with possibly different genitalia is in a closed-off compartment a few feet away from them. 

But has anyone actually ever been in a women’s bathroom before?

 Some of those little fortresses are private as hell. Sure, your average run-of-the-mill gas station potty spot isn’t going to treat you the way that you deserve, but women’s bathrooms are more secure than your average bank vault. Not only is no one in there to engage in skeevy activity (which leads to the other question of 'why are people so sure that men will go into women's bathrooms to engage in skeevy things in the first place?'], but there's also a very low chance that any of those things could possibly happen in the ladies' room anyway.

In case you’ve never been to the Promised Land Where Chicks Pee, allow me to describe it for you:

Women’s bathrooms are dope because they consist of around seventeen rooms, and that’s not even counting the actual stalls. First, there’s a massive powder room that’s full of fluffy chairs and mirrors. After that is a kitchen, which is there in case we get hungry before we can make it to the section before we actually get to pee. This is right before the Information Center, which answers your questions before you enter Middle Earth. You have to go on a full medieval-style quest to find a working toilet, along with a side-excursion to find toilet paper.  If you manage to slay the seven metallic dragons within a given time limit, then you are permitted access to use the facilities to relieve your bladder. 

After you crack the eight-noted sound keyboard password to flush the toilet, you then must begin the separate quest to find a place to wash your hands. This involves scaling down a 200 foot rock wall (with nothing but your bare hands) so that you can cleanse your phalanges in a majestic, roaring waterfall. 

Then, and only THEN, are you given .0003 seconds to try and do whatever all of these people that are freaking out about you potentially doing. 

The real concern here is what’s happening in men’s bathrooms. You’re telling me that y’all can just casually turn your head to the side and then you see another man’s junk out in the open? And that’s completely okay with everyone? Why don’t y’all have stalls? Why is no one boycotting Target over this? You’re pressed about people locking themselves in small, completely enclosed spaces that are more secure than your 2007 Ford Fiesta, but not mad about how men are standing close enough together to perform a Rockette’s style kickline while using a urinal? Get your priorities in check!

Things you won’t find in a women’s restroom: tampon dispensers that actually have tampons in them, anyone standing on those weird scales in the corner, and people staring at each other’s junk.

Things you will find: grappling hooks, the carcasses of those who weren’t strong enough to complete the challenge, and women minding their own damn business. 


3 replies

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  • Sarah Fein
    over 2 years ago

    I think this is a very interesting article. I also agree with Doreen's point.

    I think this is a very interesting article. I also agree with Doreen's point.

  • Doreen Henricks 77
    over 2 years ago

    I don't have a problem with transgendered people using a bathroom of their choice. I AM concerned about middle- and high-school girls and boys having to shower after gym class, with people who have different "parts". My high school gym shower was not at all private. (Actually, neither were the Army barracks used for basic training.). One tries not to make eye contact or get caught looking, but you know it happens. And I actually believe most people don't worry about truly transgendered people. They worry about those who might fake it, to take advantage.

    I don't have a problem with transgendered people using a bathroom of their choice. I AM concerned about middle- and high-school girls and boys having to shower after gym class, with people who have different "parts". My high school gym shower was not at all private. (Actually, neither were the Army barracks used for basic training.). One tries not to make eye contact or get caught looking, but you know it happens. And I actually believe most people don't worry about truly transgendered people. They worry about those who might fake it, to take advantage.

  • sultrystarryeyes
    over 2 years ago

    Love this! Funny and very well written. Using humor to touch on two important points - A. the argument against allowing transgenders to use our bathrooms is based on three assumptions, 1. women are weak and 2. men are vile creatures with no control over themselves 3. the men who want to take advantage of women are just waiting for this law in order to do it? (wrong, they don't wait for laws to take advantage, they already go do it...) B. The uproar is misplaced and the fear is misdirected. Why are men's bathrooms so weird and lack privacy? I also do not understand this!

    Love this! Funny and very well written. Using humor to touch on two important points - A. the argument against allowing transgenders to use our bathrooms is based on three assumptions, 1. women are weak and 2. men are vile creatures with no control over themselves 3. the men who want to take advantage of women are just waiting for this law in order to do it? (wrong, they don't wait for laws to take advantage, they already go do it...) B. The uproar is misplaced and the fear is misdirected. Why are men's bathrooms so weird and lack privacy? I also do not understand this!


I like making jokes and talking about current events, usually at the same time. Truman State University 2017 (hire me; I'm great at parties).

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