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Doris Villaflores
Doris Villaflores Contributor/Mogul Influencer
2mo Mandaluyong, Metro Manila, Philippines Story
"What Have I Been Doing?" (An Honest Mom Sentiment)

For the past months since I've had my girl, I've done nothing but worry. Worry about what to feed her, what clothes to buy, what bath product should I use, what to teach her.

I kept looking over other moms to see if I'm providing her what I thought was best, while I struggle with my insecurities, doubts, and all the other questions running through my mind.

I hardly slept, and when I did, it is usually because I got tired of walking in circles, or because I had to drink the thoughts away.

After she went over a year old, things started to happen for me. I get some rest, I get to work, I play with her, I get to go out. But the worry, the pain of not being enough is still there.

Does postpartum resume even after a year?

I question myself, because deep inside I knew, there is something else happening inside of me.

Loneliness? Blues? Who knows?

I'd like to think of it as somewhat, minor bouts of sadness. I cry it out the whole night, feel better and forget about it as soon as I wake up in the morning.

Kudos to all other moms out there, I don't know how you suck this up with smiles on your faces.

I'm agonizing on bills, debts, formula milk, insurance, which school, what brands, how soon, and all that crazy stuff I do have to wonder about, but surprisingly not very exciting for me.

I look at my baby at night, softly asleep, after I get off from work. I couldn't help but want to ask her if I'm doing good, just an "you're okay mom" would clearly calm my nerves.

I have never felt so inadequate, when I was so used to being reliable. I have never felt so ignorant, when I was so used to knowing things. And I have never felt so small, when I was so used to feeling so above myself.

So, this is what I have been doing, continuously questioning myself, doubting every little thing, being guilty over all that has been mentioned.

Being a mom is tough.
I couldn't wish for any other title, but let's admit that sometimes, it's better to voice out what you really thought of.

It's refreshing.

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Doris Villaflores
Contributor/Mogul Influencer

Single mom. Full-blown Filipino. Psychology major. Food enthusiast. Just trying to live and survive at the same time. "What's bad for your heart is good for your art."

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