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ThisIsHowYouGetaNon-CommittalMantoCommitWhenYou’reintheGreyArea

Tiffany Pham
Tiffany Pham Founder & CEO, Mogul
4mo New York, NY, USA Story
This Is How You Get a Non-Committal Man to Commit When You’re in the Grey Area

Want to read Mogul's bestselling book YOU ARE A MOGUL? It's now available here.


 

Be honest. How many times have you heard this story before?

 

“Well, I’ve been going on dates with this hot, charming, confident guy for [X number of] months now, and there’s something about us – we really click. There’s an intense connection whenever we’re together, and I know he knows it, too. I see him [Y number of] times each week. We’re always texting. And while he’s told me time and again that he thinks I’m an amazing person and that he cares about me, at the same time, he has also made it clear that he’s just not yet ready to date one person. As much as he likes me, he’s not ready to settle down. He just [insert Z reason, such as started a new job] a few months ago, so he needs some time.  While he says this may change, for now, he’s unable to commit.

I believe he's being genuine, and I want to make it work – but I’m not sure I can stomach this any longer since I at least want to know that the time I’m investing is counting towards a future with him and not towards a dead end. Is there any way to know whether I can get him to commit, or is it time to cut my losses and leave?”

 

Does this story actually sound like your own? The one you’ve told your best friends on repeat, walking them through every sign he’s ever given you, every mixed message?

 

You’re not alone. Most of us have experienced this situation at one point or another: the grey area. That undefined zone whereby you’re not sure where you two stand. Are you more than friends, but not quite boyfriend-girlfriend? Because there’s been little clarification either way, you’re constantly confused as to whether or not you two have mutual feelings for each other, what your respective actions mean, and what the future holds. Things are not black and white between you, and you’re left reeling from constant disappointment since he does not have to fulfill the same obligations as a boyfriend, and yet he is not quite just a friend either for which you would have lower standards.

 

You may have experienced some of these:

 

  • Behavior #1: He typically makes plans with you last minute because you are not currently his highest priority.

 

  • Behavior #2: When you two do make plans, he cancels last minute repeatedly. He makes every indication that he likes you -- but may be afraid to lead you on further from that. So he goes along with plans to meet that he may have even initiated himself, but when things appear to get too serious, he unexpectedly pulls back.

 

  • Behavior #3: He never really asks you out on a proper date. It generally just always feels like you’re hanging out.

 

  • Behavior #4: He doesn’t call or text you back for days at a time. In other words, he tends to disappear and is inconsistent with the way he communicates.

 

So what can you do when you find yourself in this situation, and you really want to know whether he’s worth sticking around for or whether it’s time to head out?

You cut the grey area. 

You leave.

Trust me. Walk away now, and don’t look back. Don’t text him. Don't announce what you're doing.

Right now, your relationship is imbalanced, and it's time that you balance the scales once more. 

According to Psychology Today, here are several things that may help provide some clarity to your situation. While you are not trying to convince him to be with you, you are aiming to make him realize what he knew all along:

 

  • Become less interested: You are likely the one who shows more interest at the moment: in other words, you seem to value the relationship more than he does. But as you withdraw, you will be signaling that you are not needy and thus not just willing to take whatever he can give. If you are able to genuinely walk away by demonstrating less interest, you will regain the power to guide the relationship. This is also known as the "Least Interested Principle."

 

  • Become scarce: Spend some time away from each other. If he truly appreciates you, he will miss you in your absence and thus want you more. This is also known as the "Scarcity Principle," where we tend to place greater value on something that is rare or taken away from us.

 

  • Introduce competition: Enlarge your network. Become friendly with others of the opposite sex that you are also attracted to. You can use the dating app Hinge or mutual friends to arrange a few dates. This will not only help you get your mind off of him, but as he inevitably learns through the grapevine or from your social media presence that he now has competition, a healthy dose of jealousy may be an effective way to help him gain clarity about his feelings for you. As a warning: be authentic in what photos you choose to post or what hints you choose to drop regarding others with whom you are spending time. You are living your life for you, not for him. You should be genuinely trying to have a great time, not just posing and trying to pretend that you are. This also helps you further develop the "Scarcity" effect.

 

If you genuinely move on with your life, doing most if not all of the above, and he starts to pursue you with texts, calls, and invites to meet like there’s no tomorrow – then you’ll know that you’ll have a boyfriend who ultimately values you. Remember:  if a guy likes you, he will get in touch with you and try everything he can to see you. It’s as simple as that.

So, if the above starts to work, and you begin to see a greater balance in the relationship, what next?

 

  • Get him to invest: If he finds a way to ultimately stay in your life, let him do so by having him do things for you. While it may be counterintuitive, people tend to like you more if they are doing favors for you, rather than you doing favors for them; after all, we all tend to appreciate more what we have worked hard to obtain and have invested a lot of time and energy into. This is called the "Ben Franklin" effect. So stop doing him favors, and start asking for them -- ask him to give you a ride, to help you study, to send you something. The more you have him invest, the more you will mean to him.

 

  • Reward: When he behaves in ways that provide more clarity to your situation, and things become less gray and more black and white, be genuinely grateful and reward him for being good to you. Be good to him back; offering him more attention and affection when he does what you like encourages him to continue that behavior. Maintaining a healthy environment of mutual gratitude is important.

 

So, now, what if he doesn’t reach out after you show less interest and take an initial step back? Then it looks like he was not that into you. He wasn’t serious about having you in his life, so why should you invest time and energy to remain in his? Don’t reward nonchalance and aloof behavior with your attention. You deserve to be treated with the utmost affection, and it is up to us women to set the bar higher for ourselves in terms of what we are willing to tolerate. After all, by closing the door on those who are mistreating us or abandoning us at their convenience, we make room for meaningful connections – that could lead to unexpected romances and even better friendships.

 

So say goodbye to the grey area, move on, and have fun. Life is short, after all! Spend it with the ones you love and who love you.


Want to read Mogul's bestselling book YOU ARE A MOGUL? It's now available here.


67 replies

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  • Chocbeauty
    11mo ago

    @Tiffany Pham omg so I did all of the steps and he was to texting me more and wanting to meet up. I agreed but one day on Snapchat he posted a pic of food made by another girl. I decided to unfollow him on snap and ig. He text and asked if I was upset with him, I didn’t respond. Did I take it too far? I want him so idk what my next step should be? 

    @Tiffany Pham omg so I did all of the steps and he was to texting me more and wanting to meet up. I agreed but one day on Snapchat he posted a pic of food made by another girl. I decided to unfollow him on snap and ig. He text and asked if I was upset with him, I didn’t respond. Did I take it too far? I want him so idk what my next step should be? 

  • derpettz
    almost 2 years ago

    I gots me one o' those too ... and it took me a while but I finally got to the point where this guy is actually doing ALL the initiating. For now it's mostly emails (he used to send these rambling, 'info-mentary' type messages directed at nobody in particular; like he's doing public service announcements, but now the ones he sends lately are funny video links, just to me).
    He texts too, and once in a while we get together. I'm not expecting a radical turnaround in that he's suddenly at my door every day. That would be unrealistic because he's consistently told me he wants to stay single. No worries! Last year (and again recently) I did tell him I love him. The recent time, it seemed to sink in more, and he was actually tearful. We still didn't talk about dating but I felt like we got on another level. 
    I am content with this dynamic now: as I say, he is doing all the reaching out, even if it's not too often yet. As long as it's his move. I respond, if sometimes a day later or so .. but that's all. When I do see him, he grins ear-to-ear, and I am enjoying it. 
    I never ask when I can see him next. I'm existing in the moment, smiling and being his buddy. If he wants to take it further, that's cool, but I refuse to sabotage the self-discipline I worked so hard to develop.

    It's possible. You just have to treat your emotions as if they're little kids that need a time-out!!! Love them, embrace them as your own, and accept them .. but never EVER let them control you. 

    I gots me one o' those too ... and it took me a while but I finally got to the point where this guy is actually doing ALL the initiating. For now it's mostly emails (he used to send these rambling, 'info-mentary' type messages directed at nobody in particular; like he's doing public service announcements, but now the ones he sends lately are funny video links, just to me).
    He texts too, and once in a while we get together. I'm not expecting a radical turnaround in that he's suddenly at my door every day. That would be unrealistic because he's consistently told me he wants to stay single. No worries! Last year (and again recently) I did tell him I love him. The recent time, it seemed to sink in more, and he was actually tearful. We still didn't talk about dating but I felt like we got on another level. 
    I am content with this dynamic now: as I say, he is doing all the reaching out, even if it's not too often yet. As long as it's his move. I respond, if sometimes a day later or so .. but that's all. When I do see him, he grins ear-to-ear, and I am enjoying it. 
    I never ask when I can see him next. I'm existing in the moment, smiling and being his buddy. If he wants to take it further, that's cool, but I refuse to sabotage the self-discipline I worked so hard to develop.

    It's possible. You just have to treat your emotions as if they're little kids that need a time-out!!! Love them, embrace them as your own, and accept them .. but never EVER let them control you. 

  • Tracey Garraghan 77

    Starting from today, I am not going to contact him anymore, after he has cancelled 2 weeks running, today being one of them. Hopefully he will miss me, been seeing him a year now, and he just met someone, and announced he's in a relationship, never could with me ??? 

    Starting from today, I am not going to contact him anymore, after he has cancelled 2 weeks running, today being one of them. Hopefully he will miss me, been seeing him a year now, and he just met someone, and announced he's in a relationship, never could with me ??? 

  • wingless
    2y ago

    Hello

    Hello

  • wingless
    2y ago

    Hello guys 

    Hello guys 

  • Kim Couch 74
    2y ago

    So I recently started talking to a guy in the middle of May we met for the first time memorial day took a long motorcycle ride had an awesome conversation and ended with a very passionate kiss.  We live 2 1/2 hours from each we weren't too sure if it would work, but he went to Israel on vacation for 3 weeks and we text the whole time and the communication and connection was amazing.  He got back and the following weekend he took a trip to see me, this was over a month into out talking with each other.  The connection emotionally and sex was incredible.  We connected very well the following weekend and made another trip over and same thing.  So he has an 11 year old son which he has everyother week and he has his own business.  He didn't have his son the first 2 weeks of being back from vacation so he had no problem communicating with me.  Well last week he left Sunday morning he got his son on Monday noon I spoke to him for 6 minutes between Sunday morning and Wednesday so I text him saying not sure how this is going to work with not being able to talk him, we left it that we would back off a little until his son went back.  Well I missed him very much and we talked Friday morning, I told him let's just go with it and see where it goes, he agreed.  Well going to his area this week and mentioned maybe if he likes company I would see him, he said he didn't know that we were at that level.  So he proceeded to say he thought that we were just going to be friends and see.  I'm so fricken confused and hurt.  Of course I initially was like ok maybe we should cut all ties.  He answers my texts immediately and he said he just doesn't think he could give me what I need.  I was hoping some compromise but there was none.  He says I'm an awesome woman and likes me and wants to stay in touch.  I have no idea why so if someone can give me an idea as to what he might be thinking.  I haven't talked or text him in over a day, just not sure how to handle this

    So I recently started talking to a guy in the middle of May we met for the first time memorial day took a long motorcycle ride had an awesome conversation and ended with a very passionate kiss.  We live 2 1/2 hours from each we weren't too sure if it would work, but he went to Israel on vacation for 3 weeks and we text the whole time and the communication and connection was amazing.  He got back and the following weekend he took a trip to see me, this was over a month into out talking with each other.  The connection emotionally and sex was incredible.  We connected very well the following weekend and made another trip over and same thing.  So he has an 11 year old son which he has everyother week and he has his own business.  He didn't have his son the first 2 weeks of being back from vacation so he had no problem communicating with me.  Well last week he left Sunday morning he got his son on Monday noon I spoke to him for 6 minutes between Sunday morning and Wednesday so I text him saying not sure how this is going to work with not being able to talk him, we left it that we would back off a little until his son went back.  Well I missed him very much and we talked Friday morning, I told him let's just go with it and see where it goes, he agreed.  Well going to his area this week and mentioned maybe if he likes company I would see him, he said he didn't know that we were at that level.  So he proceeded to say he thought that we were just going to be friends and see.  I'm so fricken confused and hurt.  Of course I initially was like ok maybe we should cut all ties.  He answers my texts immediately and he said he just doesn't think he could give me what I need.  I was hoping some compromise but there was none.  He says I'm an awesome woman and likes me and wants to stay in touch.  I have no idea why so if someone can give me an idea as to what he might be thinking.  I haven't talked or text him in over a day, just not sure how to handle this

  • Kim Couch 74
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    2y ago

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  • punki2719
    2y ago

    I don't think no one is reading this any more. I'm going to give it a try, looks like a lot of great advice has been given and I'm looking for some. I broke up with my boyfriend of three years yesterday. Last year he lost his job and a few months ago he got a new one. Since November of last year he has had to move in with his sister and niece. Ever since then it went down hill from there. The job he took was on weekends only. I would come over and spend the night but since they got bug problem he doesn't want me to come in so we hang out outside and Some times we get rooms. But according to him on Sunday he wasn't going to anymore to save money to get his house and things paid off. But he spends money on everyone else? He was talking about staying there for probably another year or two and it has put a strain on us. I asked him last night to make it more concrete. I told him I want to get married and I need to k know if this is going in that direction and i can't keep waiting on you to decide or do this or that. I'm 33 and i think 3 years and everything I been through with him and to ask me to sit outside and cut off our alone time, and to ask me for more of my time? I don't think that is fair of him. I think I made the right choice and u don't think he will come running back. He is 48. 

    I don't think no one is reading this any more. I'm going to give it a try, looks like a lot of great advice has been given and I'm looking for some. I broke up with my boyfriend of three years yesterday. Last year he lost his job and a few months ago he got a new one. Since November of last year he has had to move in with his sister and niece. Ever since then it went down hill from there. The job he took was on weekends only. I would come over and spend the night but since they got bug problem he doesn't want me to come in so we hang out outside and Some times we get rooms. But according to him on Sunday he wasn't going to anymore to save money to get his house and things paid off. But he spends money on everyone else? He was talking about staying there for probably another year or two and it has put a strain on us. I asked him last night to make it more concrete. I told him I want to get married and I need to k know if this is going in that direction and i can't keep waiting on you to decide or do this or that. I'm 33 and i think 3 years and everything I been through with him and to ask me to sit outside and cut off our alone time, and to ask me for more of my time? I don't think that is fair of him. I think I made the right choice and u don't think he will come running back. He is 48. 

  • punki2719
    2y ago

    I don't think no one is reading this any more. I'm going to give it a try, looks like a lot of great advice has been given and I'm looking for some. I broke up with my boyfriend of three years yesterday. Last year he lost his job and a few months ago he got a new one. Since November of last year he has had to move in with his sister and niece. Ever since then it went down hill from there. The job he took was on weekends only. I would come over and spend the night but since they got bug problem he doesn't want me to come in so we hang out outside and Some times we get rooms. But according to him on Sunday he wasn't going to anymore to save money to get his house and things paid off. But he spends money on everyone else? He was talking about staying there for probably another year or two and it has put a strain on us. I asked him last night to make it more concrete. I told him I want to get married and I need to k know if this is going in that direction and i can't keep waiting on you to decide or do this or that. I'm 33 and i think 3 years and everything I been through with him and to ask me to sit outside and cut off our alone time, and to ask me for more of my time? I don't think that is fair of him. I think I made the right choice and u don't think he will come running back. He is 48. 

    I don't think no one is reading this any more. I'm going to give it a try, looks like a lot of great advice has been given and I'm looking for some. I broke up with my boyfriend of three years yesterday. Last year he lost his job and a few months ago he got a new one. Since November of last year he has had to move in with his sister and niece. Ever since then it went down hill from there. The job he took was on weekends only. I would come over and spend the night but since they got bug problem he doesn't want me to come in so we hang out outside and Some times we get rooms. But according to him on Sunday he wasn't going to anymore to save money to get his house and things paid off. But he spends money on everyone else? He was talking about staying there for probably another year or two and it has put a strain on us. I asked him last night to make it more concrete. I told him I want to get married and I need to k know if this is going in that direction and i can't keep waiting on you to decide or do this or that. I'm 33 and i think 3 years and everything I been through with him and to ask me to sit outside and cut off our alone time, and to ask me for more of my time? I don't think that is fair of him. I think I made the right choice and u don't think he will come running back. He is 48. 

  • Preshley
    [deleted]
    2y ago

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  • martta1983
    over 2 years ago

     My husband what acting weird for some weeks, and like nothing he said what he leaving us me, and our child. I was referred by a good friend of mine to contact lovesolutiontemple1@gmail.com, I thought it is crazy, he gave me my husband back, and like its not a problem. Priest manuka gave me the peace back to my home. I will be forver indebted to you

     My husband what acting weird for some weeks, and like nothing he said what he leaving us me, and our child. I was referred by a good friend of mine to contact lovesolutiontemple1@gmail.com, I thought it is crazy, he gave me my husband back, and like its not a problem. Priest manuka gave me the peace back to my home. I will be forver indebted to you

  • nancyinla
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    over 2 years ago

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    over 2 years ago

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  • nancyinla
    over 2 years ago

    I did this. He told me I "acted like a man" and while he was intrigued for a while, but he never really committed. Ultimately, while it piqued his desire, it also made him doubt whether I was interested (this really backfires with guys who are aloof and non-committal to cover up a low self esteem). One day he promised a lifetime commitment, and I was floored...but that was a brief idolization phase - which I think may have been a result of arousal - then he reversed course. I lost valuable reproductive years doing this. Don't try this technique for long.

    I did this. He told me I "acted like a man" and while he was intrigued for a while, but he never really committed. Ultimately, while it piqued his desire, it also made him doubt whether I was interested (this really backfires with guys who are aloof and non-committal to cover up a low self esteem). One day he promised a lifetime commitment, and I was floored...but that was a brief idolization phase - which I think may have been a result of arousal - then he reversed course. I lost valuable reproductive years doing this. Don't try this technique for long.

  • Laura Heather 82
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    over 2 years ago

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  • maud
    over 2 years ago

    hi, i have the same problem, i met a guy three years ago we used to talk over the phone , texting and we had only one date ,as he wasn't ask to meet. so i felt that he is not interested in me so i stopped calling him and also stopped answer his calls till he stopped calling too. and from 4 months ago i met him by chance and we had short chat and started to call again and i am now in that gray area again and we had a serious conversation about that and he said tha he have a fear of commitment and he knows that if we get closure he will get attached to me and he will freak out and run a way so he keeps things at this gray area for that reason . my question how should i deal with him should i deal with his fear and take that risk or let him go . p.s: i really like him.

    hi, i have the same problem, i met a guy three years ago we used to talk over the phone , texting and we had only one date ,as he wasn't ask to meet. so i felt that he is not interested in me so i stopped calling him and also stopped answer his calls till he stopped calling too. and from 4 months ago i met him by chance and we had short chat and started to call again and i am now in that gray area again and we had a serious conversation about that and he said tha he have a fear of commitment and he knows that if we get closure he will get attached to me and he will freak out and run a way so he keeps things at this gray area for that reason . my question how should i deal with him should i deal with his fear and take that risk or let him go . p.s: i really like him.

    • Rachel Borowicz
      Rachel Borowicz Software Engineer & Arts Philanthropist
      over 2 years ago San Francisco, CA, United States

      Hi Maud, this is a really tough situation, but I think you may indeed need to take that risk and let him go. See if he comes back thereafter, with a willingness to commit. Otherwise, it may be years of mystery. Have you ever read the book Attached? I highly recommend it.

      Hi Maud, this is a really tough situation, but I think you may indeed need to take that risk and let him go. See if he comes back thereafter, with a willingness to commit. Otherwise, it may be years of mystery. Have you ever read the book Attached? I highly recommend it.

  • hollssim
    over 2 years ago

    hi, I just read your article and it made me feel so much better. Is there any way you are an angel sent from above?!

    hi, I just read your article and it made me feel so much better. Is there any way you are an angel sent from above?!

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  • Courtney Dercqu
    Courtney Dercqu Content Marketing Strategist & Writer
    almost 3 years ago

    This is wonderful! There was this guy, I was "seeing" for like a year, about four years ago and this described our relationship perfectly. Ladies, you deserve someone who wants to put in the effort in your life. I know the dating scene is hard, but you need to re-evaluate what you're deserving of which is love, and loyalty and respect. Guys like these are a dime a dozen, and if they can't appreciate you, then you're better off. This kind of guy is usually really charming which makes you go along with this gray area kind of courtship. I've been there, and it sucked, but I endured because I really, really, really liked him and eventually he would change his tune, right? Unfortunately he never did and I am way better off without him. Rachel - do you think it's common for this kind of relationship to happen once, or occur multiple times?

    This is wonderful! There was this guy, I was "seeing" for like a year, about four years ago and this described our relationship perfectly. Ladies, you deserve someone who wants to put in the effort in your life. I know the dating scene is hard, but you need to re-evaluate what you're deserving of which is love, and loyalty and respect. Guys like these are a dime a dozen, and if they can't appreciate you, then you're better off. This kind of guy is usually really charming which makes you go along with this gray area kind of courtship. I've been there, and it sucked, but I endured because I really, really, really liked him and eventually he would change his tune, right? Unfortunately he never did and I am way better off without him. Rachel - do you think it's common for this kind of relationship to happen once, or occur multiple times?

  • Jandy's Knowledge
    Jandy's Knowledge Single Mom of a 6 year old
    almost 3 years ago Fayetteville, AR, United States

    I wish I would have read this sooner. It would have helps out a few years ago. I would have dropped him and forgot him then.

    I wish I would have read this sooner. It would have helps out a few years ago. I would have dropped him and forgot him then.

  • Marisazal
    Marisazal NYU Stern: Finance and Marketing
    3y ago New York, NY, United States

    The grey area is a comfortable place because it allows you to live with this hope that maybe there's still a chance. Putting action into that grey area definitely makes a difference and allows the decision to be made to try harder or move on.

    The grey area is a comfortable place because it allows you to live with this hope that maybe there's still a chance. Putting action into that grey area definitely makes a difference and allows the decision to be made to try harder or move on.

  • wonderstruck
    over 3 years ago

    I have been texting a guy for 2 years on and off - we have become real great friends but everyone knows there is something else going on - we both flirt and we both have admitted that we find eachother attractive - we "hang out" at the library or for coffee, rather than date. But now, 2 years later I really want an answer from this guy. He is shy, but also kind of obstinate, which is getting in the way of him asking me out. Should I tell him other guys are talking to me to make him jealous? He routinely asks me whether I have a boyfriend and I joke back that I'm gonna die alone - But about a week ago a new guy (Mr. D) has started texting me and he appears to be everything I wanted in a guy - passionate abour art and history, sense of humor etc BUT I feel like I've fallen in love with the other guy - with his weirdness and individuality, with how knowledgeable he is about everything, and how he looks at me. We will be going on a week long holiday in summer together with some friends. What shall I do?

    I have been texting a guy for 2 years on and off - we have become real great friends but everyone knows there is something else going on - we both flirt and we both have admitted that we find eachother attractive - we "hang out" at the library or for coffee, rather than date. But now, 2 years later I really want an answer from this guy. He is shy, but also kind of obstinate, which is getting in the way of him asking me out. Should I tell him other guys are talking to me to make him jealous? He routinely asks me whether I have a boyfriend and I joke back that I'm gonna die alone - But about a week ago a new guy (Mr. D) has started texting me and he appears to be everything I wanted in a guy - passionate abour art and history, sense of humor etc BUT I feel like I've fallen in love with the other guy - with his weirdness and individuality, with how knowledgeable he is about everything, and how he looks at me. We will be going on a week long holiday in summer together with some friends. What shall I do?

  • Allison Baidoo Ortiz 22
    over 3 years ago

    Please help I am 23 years old and so is my ex bf. We have been together 4 yrs on and off. He has broken up with me twice and says it's because he feels I am pressuring him about marriage.instead of talking to me about it he just leaves. I decided to walk away because I can't handle breaking up and making up. I told him when he is ready to be consistent and not break my heart he knows where to find me. I am afraid he won't come back and he would just expect me to wait. How do I speed up the process?

    Please help I am 23 years old and so is my ex bf. We have been together 4 yrs on and off. He has broken up with me twice and says it's because he feels I am pressuring him about marriage.instead of talking to me about it he just leaves. I decided to walk away because I can't handle breaking up and making up. I told him when he is ready to be consistent and not break my heart he knows where to find me. I am afraid he won't come back and he would just expect me to wait. How do I speed up the process?

    • Tiffany Pham
      Tiffany Pham Founder & CEO, Mogul
      over 3 years ago New York, NY, USA

      Hi Allison, I think you did the right thing in walking away. That's the only way that this would ever get resolved, since it's troubling that he would rather leave instead of communicating with you when there is an issue. He should discuss his thoughts with you when he feels too much pressure, for instance, in order to arrive at a solution, instead of simply heading out the door. Learning to communicate comes with experience and subsequent maturity, so hopefully this aspect would improve over time. In the meantime, I would really try to move on within yourself, as much as you love him, because you just don't know how long it will take for him to get to that level of maturity, and it's actually now that you can truly take the time to focus on yourself and expand your own horizons. Become the best version of yourself by learning more, doing more -- take up some activities outside of this relationship to become whole on your own. That's just really the best you can do in such situations -- move on and do the best that you can on your own. If and when he comes back, you'll be that much more ready for a healthy relationship. Meanwhile, just remember that you are amazing -- beautiful, smart, kind, generous. You have a brilliant life ahead. Keep me posted on how things go!

      Hi Allison, I think you did the right thing in walking away. That's the only way that this would ever get resolved, since it's troubling that he would rather leave instead of communicating with you when there is an issue. He should discuss his thoughts with you when he feels too much pressure, for instance, in order to arrive at a solution, instead of simply heading out the door. Learning to communicate comes with experience and subsequent maturity, so hopefully this aspect would improve over time. In the meantime, I would really try to move on within yourself, as much as you love him, because you just don't know how long it will take for him to get to that level of maturity, and it's actually now that you can truly take the time to focus on yourself and expand your own horizons. Become the best version of yourself by learning more, doing more -- take up some activities outside of this relationship to become whole on your own. That's just really the best you can do in such situations -- move on and do the best that you can on your own. If and when he comes back, you'll be that much more ready for a healthy relationship. Meanwhile, just remember that you are amazing -- beautiful, smart, kind, generous. You have a brilliant life ahead. Keep me posted on how things go!

  • EmpoweredWoman
    over 3 years ago

    Hi, my male friend exhibits all four behaviors unfortunately. I decided to walk away recently -like last week. I made excuses for his lack of effort because he just got the green light from the city to officially open his business and I guess this would make him be busy as he insists. In my 1st marriage I was a doormat and am on a path of self growth and self love. I chose to walk away as to not repeat the same mistakes and have the same outcome [slaving away and exhausting myself to get a man to validate and love me]. That being said it is not easy. I removed his name from my cell phone. We are still friends on FB and IG. I don't feel tempted to reach out to him but I am hurting. I notice each day is better. I cried for the first time this Sunday and Monday. I am so hurt. Not even a HVD. I mean nothing to someone who I value......I'm letting go for me. This is my first time walking away while still in love and it takes courage and strength. I am trying so hard. I keep checking his FB and IG posts. I look forward to the day when I forget everything. I want to walk away with love. No bitterness or resentment to him. I want to forgive him for all the words he said that he NEVER acted on. He has not reached out to me but threw me some crumbs on FB to which I didn't respond to.

    Hi, my male friend exhibits all four behaviors unfortunately. I decided to walk away recently -like last week. I made excuses for his lack of effort because he just got the green light from the city to officially open his business and I guess this would make him be busy as he insists. In my 1st marriage I was a doormat and am on a path of self growth and self love. I chose to walk away as to not repeat the same mistakes and have the same outcome [slaving away and exhausting myself to get a man to validate and love me]. That being said it is not easy. I removed his name from my cell phone. We are still friends on FB and IG. I don't feel tempted to reach out to him but I am hurting. I notice each day is better. I cried for the first time this Sunday and Monday. I am so hurt. Not even a HVD. I mean nothing to someone who I value......I'm letting go for me. This is my first time walking away while still in love and it takes courage and strength. I am trying so hard. I keep checking his FB and IG posts. I look forward to the day when I forget everything. I want to walk away with love. No bitterness or resentment to him. I want to forgive him for all the words he said that he NEVER acted on. He has not reached out to me but threw me some crumbs on FB to which I didn't respond to.

    • EmpoweredWoman
      [deleted]
      over 3 years ago

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    over 3 years ago

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  • Demi Chu
    Demi Chu n. Graphophile; Believer of the Tiny White Host
    over 3 years ago Philippines

    This is interesting. Def trying this when the opportunity comes haha

    This is interesting. Def trying this when the opportunity comes haha

  • lramirez2019
    over 3 years ago Chicago, IL, United States

    I love this article so much! I was in a similar situation for so long that it ended up affecting me emotionally and mentally. I started dating other ppl and eventually met someone who was completely different in a great way. He's kind, affectionate, caring, patient and just everything that I needed and wanted and I couldn't be happier. That's what you have to do, you just have to fight for yourself and your happiness bc you're worth it. Guys should never be treated like the cake they should only be the topping on it.

    I love this article so much! I was in a similar situation for so long that it ended up affecting me emotionally and mentally. I started dating other ppl and eventually met someone who was completely different in a great way. He's kind, affectionate, caring, patient and just everything that I needed and wanted and I couldn't be happier. That's what you have to do, you just have to fight for yourself and your happiness bc you're worth it. Guys should never be treated like the cake they should only be the topping on it.

  • Mschafer14
    over 3 years ago

    Sounds like playing games.....

    Sounds like playing games.....

  • reva
    over 3 years ago

    hi Guys, I just thought to let you people know that everything is over in between me and him. As I said before, that he went out of station , but again he came to my state and packed his luggage and shifted to other state.When he came I have told him about his ignorance towards me. and from the day he left we had no more communication. I have also decided to leave him as I dont think he is interested and I dnt wnt to go for a person who just want to do timepass with me. Hope I get someone good who really deserve me. Thanks :)

    hi Guys, I just thought to let you people know that everything is over in between me and him. As I said before, that he went out of station , but again he came to my state and packed his luggage and shifted to other state.When he came I have told him about his ignorance towards me. and from the day he left we had no more communication. I have also decided to leave him as I dont think he is interested and I dnt wnt to go for a person who just want to do timepass with me. Hope I get someone good who really deserve me. Thanks :)

    • David Pham
      David Pham CTO/CPO of Mogul
      over 2 years ago

      Hi Reva! I know it has been a while since you posted this, but I know you will get someone good who really deserves you. I'm happy if you are happy!

      Hi Reva! I know it has been a while since you posted this, but I know you will get someone good who really deserves you. I'm happy if you are happy!

  • reva
    over 3 years ago

    hi Guys, I just thought to let you people know that everything is over in between me and him. As I said before, that he went out of station , but again he came to my state and packed his luggage and shifted to other state.When he came I have told him about his ignorance towards me. and from the day he left we had no more communication. I have also decided to leave him as I dont think he is interested and I dnt wnt to go for a person who just want to do timepass with me. Hope I get someone good who really deserve me. Thanks :)

    hi Guys, I just thought to let you people know that everything is over in between me and him. As I said before, that he went out of station , but again he came to my state and packed his luggage and shifted to other state.When he came I have told him about his ignorance towards me. and from the day he left we had no more communication. I have also decided to leave him as I dont think he is interested and I dnt wnt to go for a person who just want to do timepass with me. Hope I get someone good who really deserve me. Thanks :)

  • Jade Luong
    almost 4 years ago

    These are great tips! Thanks for sharing!

    These are great tips! Thanks for sharing!

  • reva
    almost 4 years ago

    hi, Juli and David as you people have advised I am messaging and talking to him,he used to reply(sometimes early,sometimes late). But the message is going first from my side. He is out of city from around 2 weeks. I want to know when he comes back (might be after 2weeks from now) and I have to convey my concern of not getting his message/call form him,then what I should exactly say?? Because in case I am telling him that "you dint message/call me first" (then it will look blaming)..so how should I frame it?And just to inform you people that he did not proposed me yet,so still I am not sure if he really loves me or not(you can refer my above comments for this).

    hi, Juli and David as you people have advised I am messaging and talking to him,he used to reply(sometimes early,sometimes late). But the message is going first from my side. He is out of city from around 2 weeks. I want to know when he comes back (might be after 2weeks from now) and I have to convey my concern of not getting his message/call form him,then what I should exactly say?? Because in case I am telling him that "you dint message/call me first" (then it will look blaming)..so how should I frame it?And just to inform you people that he did not proposed me yet,so still I am not sure if he really loves me or not(you can refer my above comments for this).

  • reva
    almost 4 years ago

    hi David, Thanks so much :) . Will try as you and Juli said. Lets see how it goes.. :) Thanks so much for your support.

    hi David, Thanks so much :) . Will try as you and Juli said. Lets see how it goes.. :) Thanks so much for your support.

  • reva
    [deleted]
    almost 4 years ago

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  • reva
    almost 4 years ago

    Thanks Juli for your reply..I will try doing as you said ..But I feel that if the guy loves me then he will love talking to me also..But if I msg him, he will reply after a long gap most of the time and sometimes he will reply soon.So I dont know if he do this intentionally or its non intentional.I dont know,but not liking all this..And I dont want to waste my time also if he is not interested because in starting he was the one who came behind me and now his actions are different. :(

    Thanks Juli for your reply..I will try doing as you said ..But I feel that if the guy loves me then he will love talking to me also..But if I msg him, he will reply after a long gap most of the time and sometimes he will reply soon.So I dont know if he do this intentionally or its non intentional.I dont know,but not liking all this..And I dont want to waste my time also if he is not interested because in starting he was the one who came behind me and now his actions are different. :(

    • David Pham
      David Pham CTO/CPO of Mogul
      almost 4 years ago

      Hey Reva, as someone who's been on the other side of this, there could be many reasons why he may be taking a while to reply back to you! I can tell you from personal experience that when I take a while to reply back, it's not because I don't love my girlfriend but because I'm busy with something else and want to finish first so I can devote my full attention to her. I completely agree with Juli - I believe you should talk with him and share your feelings (this is critical! You don't want to blame him, you just want to tell him how YOU feel). After having this conversation, you will know what you need to know to make a decision that's best for you. I hope this helps! We're here for you!

      Hey Reva, as someone who's been on the other side of this, there could be many reasons why he may be taking a while to reply back to you! I can tell you from personal experience that when I take a while to reply back, it's not because I don't love my girlfriend but because I'm busy with something else and want to finish first so I can devote my full attention to her. I completely agree with Juli - I believe you should talk with him and share your feelings (this is critical! You don't want to blame him, you just want to tell him how YOU feel). After having this conversation, you will know what you need to know to make a decision that's best for you. I hope this helps! We're here for you!

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        almost 3 years ago

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      • Esthervincia Bobo 37
        almost 3 years ago

        Hi DAVID, I myself have a situation with a young man that I considered my friend we'll call him Mr H. Mr H is a business associate whom I had a crush on two years ago but since we weren't in the same place emotionally nor mentally I moved on although he never knew about those feelings. After a two years relationship with the man I had moved on to ended because he didn't want a family and had a lot of issues to deal with I realized that I still had feelings for Mr H. We would spend time together working on business things and the question was always brought up as to whether I had feelings for him or not, so one day I decided to tell him. It wasn't that big of a deal I wasn't in love with him it was just a crush. After telling him he express his piece which obviously was completely different from mine I said it's cool let's maintain our friendship and let's not be weird around each other it's not that serious. We stopped talking and doing things together although I would see him at certain events. One day Mr H reached out to me questioning why I stopped reaching out and texting and all of that, so I had told him that it's a two way street and that if it wasn't important or a priority for him to reach out to me then I wouldn't make it a priority on my end. Since that very day Mr H was reaching out and spending time with me everyday and every night for the past 3-4 months. Of course I never brought back up any questions related to my emotions for I know that I was falling in love with him but we agreed on friendship and that's what I was honoring. We did literally everything together we even cuddled but we never crossed the intimacy line of doing more than that so no kissing or sex. One day I knew he was feeling drained emotionally and mentally with the things that was going on in his life so I reached out to thin through text a simple I love you to uplift his spirit it wasn't like we had never said we loved each other before but he never wrote me back until about a day and a half later. So I was worried and upset so of course that didn't go well and he texted me saying that he just wasn't sure that he could be all that I am expecting him to be something like that. When I questioned what he meant he asked me what I was expecting from him I was confused because I wasn't expecting anything. Long story short he stops all contact with me and I tried contacting with him and the last thing I did was push his buttons so he would answer me and it did he answered me alright stating that I was harassing and berating him also that he was cool with but he doesn't like me like that sorry if he lead me to think otherwise. So I told him that it would be best that we stay away from each other so we don't create anymore confusions. To be honest although I didn't assume anything more my feelings did grow stronger I can honestly say I fell in love with him and now I feel disheartened and hurt because I was expecting that as my friend and with how much we've shared that we could talk about anything and he would be able to tell me honestly what was going on but that wasn't the case. I am extremely sad and I simply wanted to know your thoughts on this matter.

        Hi DAVID, I myself have a situation with a young man that I considered my friend we'll call him Mr H. Mr H is a business associate whom I had a crush on two years ago but since we weren't in the same place emotionally nor mentally I moved on although he never knew about those feelings. After a two years relationship with the man I had moved on to ended because he didn't want a family and had a lot of issues to deal with I realized that I still had feelings for Mr H. We would spend time together working on business things and the question was always brought up as to whether I had feelings for him or not, so one day I decided to tell him. It wasn't that big of a deal I wasn't in love with him it was just a crush. After telling him he express his piece which obviously was completely different from mine I said it's cool let's maintain our friendship and let's not be weird around each other it's not that serious. We stopped talking and doing things together although I would see him at certain events. One day Mr H reached out to me questioning why I stopped reaching out and texting and all of that, so I had told him that it's a two way street and that if it wasn't important or a priority for him to reach out to me then I wouldn't make it a priority on my end. Since that very day Mr H was reaching out and spending time with me everyday and every night for the past 3-4 months. Of course I never brought back up any questions related to my emotions for I know that I was falling in love with him but we agreed on friendship and that's what I was honoring. We did literally everything together we even cuddled but we never crossed the intimacy line of doing more than that so no kissing or sex. One day I knew he was feeling drained emotionally and mentally with the things that was going on in his life so I reached out to thin through text a simple I love you to uplift his spirit it wasn't like we had never said we loved each other before but he never wrote me back until about a day and a half later. So I was worried and upset so of course that didn't go well and he texted me saying that he just wasn't sure that he could be all that I am expecting him to be something like that. When I questioned what he meant he asked me what I was expecting from him I was confused because I wasn't expecting anything. Long story short he stops all contact with me and I tried contacting with him and the last thing I did was push his buttons so he would answer me and it did he answered me alright stating that I was harassing and berating him also that he was cool with but he doesn't like me like that sorry if he lead me to think otherwise. So I told him that it would be best that we stay away from each other so we don't create anymore confusions. To be honest although I didn't assume anything more my feelings did grow stronger I can honestly say I fell in love with him and now I feel disheartened and hurt because I was expecting that as my friend and with how much we've shared that we could talk about anything and he would be able to tell me honestly what was going on but that wasn't the case. I am extremely sad and I simply wanted to know your thoughts on this matter.

  • reva
    almost 4 years ago

    hi Juli,Thanks so much :) . Will follow this.Actually I have asked him before also for msgng/call,so In starting of relationship he followed them but later on he left.Now if he dont msg/call for long time I get angry so I tell with anger,because I feel like I am not getting much importance if I am calling again and again and might be he don't love me as I have heard that the mostly people in love,talk for longtime.. So because of these reasons I get worried and angry and reply him with anger. Just before 3days also when I sent last msg to him that he should have informed me before leaving and should normally msg/call,I sent it in anger..and he dint reply for that.. I think he dint like that.. ok,will msg politely from tomo and note down your points :). Thanks :)

    hi Juli,Thanks so much :) . Will follow this.Actually I have asked him before also for msgng/call,so In starting of relationship he followed them but later on he left.Now if he dont msg/call for long time I get angry so I tell with anger,because I feel like I am not getting much importance if I am calling again and again and might be he don't love me as I have heard that the mostly people in love,talk for longtime.. So because of these reasons I get worried and angry and reply him with anger. Just before 3days also when I sent last msg to him that he should have informed me before leaving and should normally msg/call,I sent it in anger..and he dint reply for that.. I think he dint like that.. ok,will msg politely from tomo and note down your points :). Thanks :)

  • reva
    almost 4 years ago

    hi,I need to know some more things :) . Actually my boyfriend don't text me or call me much..I mean now its around 3-4 days,he dint msg or call,and so in anger I dint msg/call,This has happened before also when I was out of station and that time for around 10days there was no communication from both sides,but later he messaged and called when I came back. He is out of station now,so I exepect him to call/msg me atleast every day or alternate day..But I am not seeing that also..Last time when I msged him before 3 days,he behaved as if I am msgng after long time and then I told him dat he should have called or messaged me before leaving the state.after dat from next day again no message or call..I am fed up with all these.. Please tell me that should I try calling or messaging? or wait for him to do so ? ..Because this is happening again and again and most of the time I am the first one to message except 1 or 2 times,and I am not liking it..He will be ready and happy if I go to meet him in his house.But that can happen only on weekends..so weekdays there wont be much call/msg..and same is the condition when any of us is out of station.

    hi,I need to know some more things :) . Actually my boyfriend don't text me or call me much..I mean now its around 3-4 days,he dint msg or call,and so in anger I dint msg/call,This has happened before also when I was out of station and that time for around 10days there was no communication from both sides,but later he messaged and called when I came back. He is out of station now,so I exepect him to call/msg me atleast every day or alternate day..But I am not seeing that also..Last time when I msged him before 3 days,he behaved as if I am msgng after long time and then I told him dat he should have called or messaged me before leaving the state.after dat from next day again no message or call..I am fed up with all these.. Please tell me that should I try calling or messaging? or wait for him to do so ? ..Because this is happening again and again and most of the time I am the first one to message except 1 or 2 times,and I am not liking it..He will be ready and happy if I go to meet him in his house.But that can happen only on weekends..so weekdays there wont be much call/msg..and same is the condition when any of us is out of station.

    • Juli
      Juli 🙀
      almost 4 years ago Brooklyn, NY, United States

      I believe that open communication is the key of a good relationship. It seems like your boyfriend is a bad texter but loves you, otherwise he wouldn't be happy to see you on the weekends. I suggest to tell him your feelings about this and explain kindly why do you feel this way and what can he do to fix it together with you. Make sure you don't blame him but instead just highlight your feelings and tell him how nice would it be if he would surprise you with a nice text or call sometimes. I'm sure he'll understand and be happy that you told him. But honestly, don't fell bad to text him first if you know he's bad at communicating over the phone or text. In this case this lack of communication is not intensional. Hope this helps.

      I believe that open communication is the key of a good relationship. It seems like your boyfriend is a bad texter but loves you, otherwise he wouldn't be happy to see you on the weekends. I suggest to tell him your feelings about this and explain kindly why do you feel this way and what can he do to fix it together with you. Make sure you don't blame him but instead just highlight your feelings and tell him how nice would it be if he would surprise you with a nice text or call sometimes. I'm sure he'll understand and be happy that you told him. But honestly, don't fell bad to text him first if you know he's bad at communicating over the phone or text. In this case this lack of communication is not intensional. Hope this helps.

  • reva
    4y ago

    hi,I need ur suggestion. My bf and me were so much in love,we went on so many dates .but when I asked him abt marriage,he has given the excuse saying "its too early to decide",blah blah blah..so I have left meeting him,texting him and calling him.he still text me(might be 1 time in 2 days) or calls me sometimes(might be once in a week). But I dnt initiate texting or calling from my side as suggested by you. He even called me and asked dat Why am I not calling or msging him and why am I ignoring him nowdays, to which I replied that I am dng as he said..He indirectly said that I should not follow whatever he say ..But still he dint say dat "He loves me" or "he wants to marry me"(which are the things I want to hear from him) . Though I feel that he loves me as I have seen him following me so many times in ofc even after this incident and even at this time, but still he dnt commit anything from his side... Now my question is should I still behave the same of not calling,msging and ignoring from my side and wait until he come and tell everything what I am expecting..Pls guide me.

    hi,I need ur suggestion. My bf and me were so much in love,we went on so many dates .but when I asked him abt marriage,he has given the excuse saying "its too early to decide",blah blah blah..so I have left meeting him,texting him and calling him.he still text me(might be 1 time in 2 days) or calls me sometimes(might be once in a week). But I dnt initiate texting or calling from my side as suggested by you. He even called me and asked dat Why am I not calling or msging him and why am I ignoring him nowdays, to which I replied that I am dng as he said..He indirectly said that I should not follow whatever he say ..But still he dint say dat "He loves me" or "he wants to marry me"(which are the things I want to hear from him) . Though I feel that he loves me as I have seen him following me so many times in ofc even after this incident and even at this time, but still he dnt commit anything from his side... Now my question is should I still behave the same of not calling,msging and ignoring from my side and wait until he come and tell everything what I am expecting..Pls guide me.

    • Juli
      Juli 🙀
      4y ago Brooklyn, NY, United States

      Hi Reva, I can only tell you my opinion based on my experience with my husband. I had the same situation with him after dating for a few years. I asked him if he ever wants to get married or if he can imagine being married to me. He had the exactly same respond, that's it is too early and he doesn't know -- he even got kind of upset that I would ask. So I did not mention the topic again (seeing how it made him upset) but I trusted him. I knew he loved me and that all it mattered at that point. After his proposal (it took a few years) he told me the reason why he got upset. He said he didn't like the pressure and that I wouldn't trust him in that he would want to live his life with me in the future. If he would've said yes, that would've ruined the surprise (and what if one of us changes their minds in the meantime?). He also wasn't ready... So my advice to you is this: A.) If you love him and you know he loves you, then it worth the risk. If he's the one, he will propose when he's ready. B.) If you are not sure that he loves you (but him asking that why are you not calling or texting him really shows he cares about you and your relationship) based on his respond then give yourself some time. Think it through: what matters to you more? Keeping your relationship with him or getting married. Hope either way you two can work things out.

      Hi Reva, I can only tell you my opinion based on my experience with my husband. I had the same situation with him after dating for a few years. I asked him if he ever wants to get married or if he can imagine being married to me. He had the exactly same respond, that's it is too early and he doesn't know -- he even got kind of upset that I would ask. So I did not mention the topic again (seeing how it made him upset) but I trusted him. I knew he loved me and that all it mattered at that point. After his proposal (it took a few years) he told me the reason why he got upset. He said he didn't like the pressure and that I wouldn't trust him in that he would want to live his life with me in the future. If he would've said yes, that would've ruined the surprise (and what if one of us changes their minds in the meantime?). He also wasn't ready... So my advice to you is this: A.) If you love him and you know he loves you, then it worth the risk. If he's the one, he will propose when he's ready. B.) If you are not sure that he loves you (but him asking that why are you not calling or texting him really shows he cares about you and your relationship) based on his respond then give yourself some time. Think it through: what matters to you more? Keeping your relationship with him or getting married. Hope either way you two can work things out.

      • reva
        4y ago

        hi Juli, Thanks so much for your valuable and lovely comments..Will see what can be done..Hope everything goes well :)

        hi Juli, Thanks so much for your valuable and lovely comments..Will see what can be done..Hope everything goes well :)

        • reva
          [deleted]
          almost 4 years ago

          [deleted]

          [deleted]

      • reva
        4y ago

        hi Juli, Thanks so much for your valuable and lovely comments..Will see what can be done..Hope everything goes well :)

        hi Juli, Thanks so much for your valuable and lovely comments..Will see what can be done..Hope everything goes well :)

    • Bethany Heinrich
      [deleted]
      4y ago New York, NY, United States

      [deleted]

      [deleted]

  • avablue14
    4y ago Long Island, NY, United States

    This is awesome; and Simple. If someone wants to see us, they make the effort, whatever that may mean. A text, phone call, whatever it takes. Enough said.

    This is awesome; and Simple. If someone wants to see us, they make the effort, whatever that may mean. A text, phone call, whatever it takes. Enough said.

  • Goelshivani
    4y ago

    I have been through this. And that scarcity principle actually worked. It's good to give yourself a second chance because when I gave it to myself I met a wonderful boy who made me realize love is worth the wait and how amazing it is to be loved. Let the person go .. If he values you n truly loves you he will come back to you and if he doesnt turn up that means you deserve someone better and worthy...

    I have been through this. And that scarcity principle actually worked. It's good to give yourself a second chance because when I gave it to myself I met a wonderful boy who made me realize love is worth the wait and how amazing it is to be loved. Let the person go .. If he values you n truly loves you he will come back to you and if he doesnt turn up that means you deserve someone better and worthy...

    • Rachel Borowicz
      Rachel Borowicz Software Engineer & Arts Philanthropist
      4y ago San Francisco, CA, United States

      I couldn't agree more Goelshivani! So happy that this worked out for you.

      I couldn't agree more Goelshivani! So happy that this worked out for you.

  • nana
    4y ago

    I cry day and Night.. I can't fight him.. I can't tell him.. I can't stay away from him. I would love to even die if that only makes him love me so much, but I'm scared. :( I'm scared that, if I do that thing you said, then he will be nomore in my life. He is so aloof! He is the aloofist! I hate that.. I just need your prayers :( Cuz I want him so badllllyyy.. I cudnt let go of him.. Its easy to say not to mind and to carry on with my life since I deserve better. But it pains. It hurts.. To think of a life without him.. Im pretty serious. What do you think I should do?

    I cry day and Night.. I can't fight him.. I can't tell him.. I can't stay away from him. I would love to even die if that only makes him love me so much, but I'm scared. :( I'm scared that, if I do that thing you said, then he will be nomore in my life. He is so aloof! He is the aloofist! I hate that.. I just need your prayers :( Cuz I want him so badllllyyy.. I cudnt let go of him.. Its easy to say not to mind and to carry on with my life since I deserve better. But it pains. It hurts.. To think of a life without him.. Im pretty serious. What do you think I should do?

    • Joyce Short
      Joyce Short Mogul Influencer, TEDx Talk Presenter, Author & Advocate for Sexual Assault Survivors
      3y ago New York NY US

      Nana- There are two important forces at work here. One is the emotional chemistry that makes you feel attachment and longing for him. The other is his inability to attach. He sounds emotionally unavailable. He has stirred your emotional chemistry, but may have very little emotional chemistry of his own. Not everyone you're attracted to will be capable of returning your feelings. So here's what can help.... Like any form of addiction (and that's what romantic love is,) it will lose it's hold on you over time. You can help yourself by replacing the chemistry that attaches you to him with endorphins that will make you feel more empowered and good about yourself... in other words, put on your running or dancing shoes and get some aerobic exercise. Go do things you enjoy and be with people you love being around. Try to restrict your thoughts about him, and do not see him, talk to him or text him. Your brain chemistry is the source of your feelings of longing. It will stop faster if you make it happen.

      Nana- There are two important forces at work here. One is the emotional chemistry that makes you feel attachment and longing for him. The other is his inability to attach. He sounds emotionally unavailable. He has stirred your emotional chemistry, but may have very little emotional chemistry of his own. Not everyone you're attracted to will be capable of returning your feelings. So here's what can help.... Like any form of addiction (and that's what romantic love is,) it will lose it's hold on you over time. You can help yourself by replacing the chemistry that attaches you to him with endorphins that will make you feel more empowered and good about yourself... in other words, put on your running or dancing shoes and get some aerobic exercise. Go do things you enjoy and be with people you love being around. Try to restrict your thoughts about him, and do not see him, talk to him or text him. Your brain chemistry is the source of your feelings of longing. It will stop faster if you make it happen.

    • Distressedsoul

      I feel you are speaking my mind and heart here..i am in the same situation and i scared to let him go fearing he wont come back. At least i get to see him a little right now. If i give that up too,i dont know how i will live.

      I feel you are speaking my mind and heart here..i am in the same situation and i scared to let him go fearing he wont come back. At least i get to see him a little right now. If i give that up too,i dont know how i will live.

      • Tracey Garraghan 77

        I'm in this same situation, and really hurts

        I'm in this same situation, and really hurts

        • Simplyestella
          Simplyestella Woman, Mother, Friend 😉
          almost 2 years ago South Bend, Indiana, United States

          You must love yourself first, unconditionally.  Don't ever put someone else's happiness, needs, wants and desires before yours.  That goes hand in hand with not allowing people to use you for their needs, desires and wants, without giving back to you equally.  If someone can't love you and need you the way you love and need them in your life, then they are not meant to be in your life for the long-run.   Some people are in our lives for the short-term, they are in our lives for a specific reason(s), to teach us a lesson, or to bring something to our attention.  However, they are not meant to be there for the long-run.  The story above is on point, in regards to making yourself absent from that person's life.  If that person does not respond with a genuine need for you, and can't communicate how they really feel about you, move the hell on!  Don't belittle yourself and your values for someone who can give a 💩 less.  You are better than that, and you deserve more in life.  You must have an infinite amount of self-love, in order to weed out the people who don't matter in your life...and when someone can not show you the love that you need in your life, then they don't matter.  Stay strong, love yourself and don't settle for less!  Life is always good, when you love yourself! 😉

          You must love yourself first, unconditionally.  Don't ever put someone else's happiness, needs, wants and desires before yours.  That goes hand in hand with not allowing people to use you for their needs, desires and wants, without giving back to you equally.  If someone can't love you and need you the way you love and need them in your life, then they are not meant to be in your life for the long-run.   Some people are in our lives for the short-term, they are in our lives for a specific reason(s), to teach us a lesson, or to bring something to our attention.  However, they are not meant to be there for the long-run.  The story above is on point, in regards to making yourself absent from that person's life.  If that person does not respond with a genuine need for you, and can't communicate how they really feel about you, move the hell on!  Don't belittle yourself and your values for someone who can give a 💩 less.  You are better than that, and you deserve more in life.  You must have an infinite amount of self-love, in order to weed out the people who don't matter in your life...and when someone can not show you the love that you need in your life, then they don't matter.  Stay strong, love yourself and don't settle for less!  Life is always good, when you love yourself! 😉

      • Rachel Borowicz
        Rachel Borowicz Software Engineer & Arts Philanthropist
        4y ago San Francisco, CA, United States

        You have to try your hardest to let him go, DistressedSoul. You are missing out on all these amazing guys out there who would love you. The best case scenario is that you get to know other guys and your current guy runs after you. If he doesn't, then at least you'll have come to know other really great guys. You can do it! I really believe it.

        You have to try your hardest to let him go, DistressedSoul. You are missing out on all these amazing guys out there who would love you. The best case scenario is that you get to know other guys and your current guy runs after you. If he doesn't, then at least you'll have come to know other really great guys. You can do it! I really believe it.

        • Distressedsoul

          The only problem is i dont want any other guy in my life no matter how better he would be. He is the one for me and my heart is stuck. If i let him go, i would be void from inside out. Doesnt it work to keep on giving your love and maybe some day he would realize?

          The only problem is i dont want any other guy in my life no matter how better he would be. He is the one for me and my heart is stuck. If i let him go, i would be void from inside out. Doesnt it work to keep on giving your love and maybe some day he would realize?

    • Maddy Bernstein

      I think you just need to stand strong and know your worth. Remember how amazing you are and that if he can't realize it then it's his loss. There will be someone even better out there if it's not this guy. Trust me on this one!

      I think you just need to stand strong and know your worth. Remember how amazing you are and that if he can't realize it then it's his loss. There will be someone even better out there if it's not this guy. Trust me on this one!

    • Damshellindistress

      U need to know.. what u mean to him.. like now..u will have to so this.. i have been through this phase.. they come back if they love u even a bit.. mine came back running into my arms.. u too will get what u desire.. take the big risk.. it is worth going for.. be strong is all u need to do.. all the best mate.. tell me if it worked for u..

      U need to know.. what u mean to him.. like now..u will have to so this.. i have been through this phase.. they come back if they love u even a bit.. mine came back running into my arms.. u too will get what u desire.. take the big risk.. it is worth going for.. be strong is all u need to do.. all the best mate.. tell me if it worked for u..

  • luee
    over 4 years ago

    THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS PIECE OF ADVICE

    THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS PIECE OF ADVICE

  • luee
    over 4 years ago

    THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS PIECE OF ADVICE

    THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS PIECE OF ADVICE

  • damselindistress
    over 4 years ago

    What if i know he wont ever commit.. but i like him way too much! :|

    What if i know he wont ever commit.. but i like him way too much! :|

    • Default
      Guest
      over 2 years ago

      Hello I am Shirley Morris ,I am out here to spread this good news to the entire world on how I got my ex husband back.I was going crazy when my husband left me and my two kids for another woman last month, But when i met a friend that introduced me to Dr Keke Odin the great messenger to the oracle of Great Keke Spell Temple. I narrated my problem to Dr Keke Odin about how my ex Husband left me and my two kids and also how i needed to get a job in a very big company.He only said to me that i have come to the right place were i will be getting my heart desire without any side effect.He told me what i need to do,After it was been done,24 hours later, My Ex Husband called me on the phone and was saying sorry for living me and the kids before now and one week after my Husband called me to be pleading for forgiveness,I was called for interview in a very big company here in USA were i needed to work as the managing director.. you can contact Dr Keke Odin through the following mean Email: greatkekespelltemple@gmail.com Mobile Number: +1 386-336-9876 website: http://greatkekespelltemple01.webs.com

      Hello I am Shirley Morris ,I am out here to spread this good news to the entire world on how I got my ex husband back.I was going crazy when my husband left me and my two kids for another woman last month, But when i met a friend that introduced me to Dr Keke Odin the great messenger to the oracle of Great Keke Spell Temple. I narrated my problem to Dr Keke Odin about how my ex Husband left me and my two kids and also how i needed to get a job in a very big company.He only said to me that i have come to the right place were i will be getting my heart desire without any side effect.He told me what i need to do,After it was been done,24 hours later, My Ex Husband called me on the phone and was saying sorry for living me and the kids before now and one week after my Husband called me to be pleading for forgiveness,I was called for interview in a very big company here in USA were i needed to work as the managing director.. you can contact Dr Keke Odin through the following mean Email: greatkekespelltemple@gmail.com Mobile Number: +1 386-336-9876 website: http://greatkekespelltemple01.webs.com

    • nana
      4y ago

      The same case here :(

      The same case here :(

    • Kathy May
      Kathy May Associate at Deutsche Bank
      over 4 years ago New York, NY, USA

      You have to cut it off, DamselInDistress. You are better than he is giving to you. And you have to think about whether you like him because of who he actually is or whether because you are not getting what you want, and the time and energy you have put into him is making hard for you to let go. Regardless, he is not giving you what you deserve which is a committed relationship -- and you should cut it off once and for all (cold turkey) to see if he will follow after. If he doesn't, then you're better off without him. I believe in you, DamselInDistress! You can do it. Let me know how it goes.

      You have to cut it off, DamselInDistress. You are better than he is giving to you. And you have to think about whether you like him because of who he actually is or whether because you are not getting what you want, and the time and energy you have put into him is making hard for you to let go. Regardless, he is not giving you what you deserve which is a committed relationship -- and you should cut it off once and for all (cold turkey) to see if he will follow after. If he doesn't, then you're better off without him. I believe in you, DamselInDistress! You can do it. Let me know how it goes.

      • damselindistress
        over 4 years ago

        This might take a while.. but i ll surely let u know.. once i follow this.. :).. thanks ... u really are a great help.. :)

        This might take a while.. but i ll surely let u know.. once i follow this.. :).. thanks ... u really are a great help.. :)

  • SchifferRay
    over 4 years ago

    This article still gives me the utmost hope to this day.

    This article still gives me the utmost hope to this day.

    • damselindistress
      over 4 years ago

      Did it work for u?

      Did it work for u?

      • SchifferRay
        over 4 years ago

        It did, Damsel. After finally letting go of him (let's call him C for short), and all the hopes and dreams I had once had for us and our future, I finally one day -- out of the blue -- met someone new (let's call him M), just a mere few weeks after I finally let go of C, as this article recommended. And then, wouldn't you believe it, C finally came around and said he loved and missed me. It was all I had been wanting to hear for nearly a year. But by then, it was too late, I had already fallen for M. So the whole point of this anecdote is to tell you to let go of the guy you're dating as this article mentions -- in the end, he'll come running for you if he truly cared for you, and by then, he'll either be supremely lucky and you'll still want him. But more likely than not, you'll have moved on, and this time it will be his heart that is broken. So move on now, and you'll only do well for yourself.

        It did, Damsel. After finally letting go of him (let's call him C for short), and all the hopes and dreams I had once had for us and our future, I finally one day -- out of the blue -- met someone new (let's call him M), just a mere few weeks after I finally let go of C, as this article recommended. And then, wouldn't you believe it, C finally came around and said he loved and missed me. It was all I had been wanting to hear for nearly a year. But by then, it was too late, I had already fallen for M. So the whole point of this anecdote is to tell you to let go of the guy you're dating as this article mentions -- in the end, he'll come running for you if he truly cared for you, and by then, he'll either be supremely lucky and you'll still want him. But more likely than not, you'll have moved on, and this time it will be his heart that is broken. So move on now, and you'll only do well for yourself.

        • Joyce Short
          Joyce Short Mogul Influencer, TEDx Talk Presenter, Author & Advocate for Sexual Assault Survivors
          3y ago New York NY US

          Emotionally unavailable people can only feel desire for people they can't have. Once they can have them, they will lose interest. It's a good thing you were involved with someone else when he circled back because it is very likely your relationship with him would not have lasted.

          Emotionally unavailable people can only feel desire for people they can't have. Once they can have them, they will lose interest. It's a good thing you were involved with someone else when he circled back because it is very likely your relationship with him would not have lasted.

          • Karen Garrison 57
            over 2 years ago

            I completely agree Joyce Short.. was thinking the same thing. Usually people who only want you when you're gone, will leave again once you're back.

            It happens in subtler ways in lots of relationships. 
            But when we believe we just *have* to have someone and he/she never commits or agrees to any kind of specific arrangement - it is true thay trying to maje them love us will probably make things worse. But worse if they want us back when we finally leave on our own.. at *best* they'll be  around but not fully involved emotionally and will be inattentive or come and go frequently.

            I completely agree Joyce Short.. was thinking the same thing. Usually people who only want you when you're gone, will leave again once you're back.

            It happens in subtler ways in lots of relationships. 
            But when we believe we just *have* to have someone and he/she never commits or agrees to any kind of specific arrangement - it is true thay trying to maje them love us will probably make things worse. But worse if they want us back when we finally leave on our own.. at *best* they'll be  around but not fully involved emotionally and will be inattentive or come and go frequently.

        • damselindistress
          over 4 years ago

          Thank you soo much.. i m going to follow this.. :)

          Thank you soo much.. i m going to follow this.. :)

        • damselindistress
          over 4 years ago

          Thank you soo much.. i m going to follow this.. :)

          Thank you soo much.. i m going to follow this.. :)


Tiffany Pham
Founder & CEO, Mogul

Forbes 30 Under 30. Business Insider 30 Under 30. Elle Magazine 30 Under 30. Tech Executive. Film Producer. Book author. Arts philanthropist.

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