The Demons in my Head

Mental Illness is not imaginary. It isn’t unusual or new. It’s real. I call them the demons in my head. I don’t want your sympathy or to be treated like I’m losing a battle. Because the moment that you do, it will mean I lost the battle in my head. People think words don’t have power. In ways, words wield an emotional aspect in which only humans can understand. It can either be poison or strength that boost them to be great. You might be thinking, what is the connection between mental illness and words? A lot. Because what people say to others can and will affect them.

For my case, when I was young, I was bullied in psychological and verbal way. And for the most part of my life, I thought I was insignificant in this world. My very existence had no meaning. My bully made me feel I wasn’t important to be alive. The person hadn’t say this out loud, but words were said enough that the mind understand the meaning behind it. Too much negativity can and will affect ones way of thinking and how the person perceive life. In this case, my childhood affected the way I see life growing up. I became a pessimist. I don’t trust people too much. I fear rejection. And the growing social anxiety doesn’t help at all.

The scar inflicted in my mind wasn’t going away. I experience a lot of mental breakdowns, tantrums without reason, the feeling of wanting to be away from crowds, not liking to be touched. These were signs I hadn’t known which shows I struggle with the demons in my head.

The way I fought back these demons weren’t easy tasks. I’ve never view myself as a fighter, because all I knew were the pain will be there. I know it isn’t healthy how I’ve been dealing with it. But for me, it works. And I’m alive and still living.

I create walls and I find distractions. I had buried the past and faced my future. But let me tell you, this doesn’t always works. Once wounded, the scar lingers. And in a matter of time, it does catch up and I will face my demons again. There are days, which are bright, and there are those darker days I can’t face with my eyes open. People forget it is the littlest things that can help someone feel alive. Like taking a bath, reading a book, listening to music, eating something delicious, even looking at beautiful scenery. Something that can make you feel you are there and you are alive.

I continue fighting because I want to, not need to. I do not need someone to be my anchor. I want that anchor to be my will to want to live. Why? Because in my head, what I fear the most and scared me forever, is the fear of not being important. I had been there in my life. I had cried nights for it. And still I get teary whenever I remember that feeling. I don’t want myself to allow others make me feel unimportant. I want myself to know I am important. And it’s all that matters.

For those who have bad days, and those who are struggling with your own demons, know that you aren’t worthless. You mean the world for those who have yet and had met you. You influence and create change in the world. You do matter.

"Not Until We Are Lost Do We Begin To Understand Ourselves. " 

- Henry David Thoreau

#WorldMentalHeathDay #FreeMentalillness