In our 24th spotlight, we hear from the most recent recipient of the Golden Mouse Relationship Coach of the Year Award, Jianny Adamo, LMHC, LPC, 47, of Delray Beach, FL. The Founder of Fearless Love Relationship Coaching and Counseling, Jianny’s main mission is to empower, educate, and enlighten. As a licensed psychotherapist and coach, Jianny works with her clients to help them see that intimate relationships, although conflicted at times, are nature’s path to healing, personal growth, and happiness. In other words, even our darkest romances add muscle to our bones. They strengthen us. Embolden us. And teach us what we are here to learn at the highest level.
Of course, strength can be hard to come by when betrayal is both crippling and blinding at once. This is exactly why professionals like Jianny are essential. They lead the way when we can barely get ourselves out of bed. They remind us of all the reasons we have to show up in this world, of all we have going for ourselves.
In fact, reminding her clients of all they have going for themselves is a task Jianny is met with often—as she specializes in post-psychopathic recovery. A survivor of psychopathic abuse herself, Jianny understands firsthand what it is to have one’s own sense of dignity obliterated and one’s talent for loving exploited by a social predator who, while charming, is void of conscious.
In her upcoming self-help novel, Love Trauma: 7 Tango Lessons to Recovery from Emotionally and Sexually Abusive Relationships with Narcissists, Psychopaths, and Other Toxic People, Jianny writes about overcoming emotional fraud.
For a sneak peek, read one of my favorite blog posts of her’s (PS: sign up for Jianny’s newsletter for necessary nuggets of mental gold), “11 Signs of love Trauma: When Good Women Love A Narcissist,” Jianny delves into the lies, deception, secrecy, and imbalanced power structure that leads to betrayal or love trauma. She writes, “It doesn’t matter if you entered the relationship feeling confident in yourself and proud of your accomplishments. By systematically applying a medley of seduction, infuriating and crazy-making techniques, a perpetrator—whether he’s a narcissist, sociopath, and/or psychopath—can swiftly groom to disempower his victim.”
Groom. What a dangerous word.
Jianny goes on to say that grooming a woman to love a dangerous man damages her self-esteem, self-image, and sense of security dramatically.
Why? For the very reason that it makes her feel like she lives outside her own control.
Jianny’s talent lies in her ability to empower her clients to take back their control, disable their inner critic, and embrace their potential again.
As you read her spotlight, ask yourself whether you’ve ever felt the slightest bit abandoned during a relationship of your own. What happened and how did you handle it?
Now ask yourself, while in this relationship, did you ever feel like you were abandoning yourself? Perhaps your own intuition in an effort to believe in love? When and why do you think you did it?
Question, what do you see as the difference between betrayal and rejection? How did you betray yourself in a past relationship? What parts of yourself did you reject?
Reading Jianny's story, it's clear that breakups toy with more than our heart. They often toy with the very concept we have of ourselves. It could be that you now distrust your own capacity to choose who is “right” for you. Maybe you are angry with yourself, with your ability to overlook glaring red flags. Perhaps, you fear that your ex’s behavior will leave you jaded or suspicious of men in the future. These are some examples, so let me ask you, what part of yourself do you feel is being called into question because of this separation?
As always, these questions are here to help you breakupward. Remember, the comment section is a place where you can inspire us as well. Share your answers, your big takeaways, and your questions below! One of the strongest ways you can show up in life is by putting words to your invisible, interior world.
PS: If Jianny had never fallen into a relationship with a psychopathic abuser, she never would have earned the title of “survivor” and she probably never would have had the incentive to write her forthcoming book, Love Trauma. The fact that she not only experienced betrayal but used it to birth wisdom that can (and will!) benefit so many is the very definition of breaking upward.
PPS: Dante said, “You are born quick to love and so will rush with love toward even the most trivial toy. This is the start of your search, your whole life, for the wrong things.” This is a reminder to slow down and chase less. What is right will find you as long as you let go of the frivolous and remain available to it. Let go of whatever feels wrong in your heart and let in what feels wholesome. This is one way you can maintain control and create an environment of safety.
1. Do you think your success is a product of something you already had inside of yourself but relationship priorities either delayed or distracted you from going after or do you think solitude and loss themselves drove you to want more for yourself?
After experiencing my own tragic loss of love and violence (emotional & sexual abuse) at the hands of a man I cared for, I was brought face to face with my shattered soul. Ironically, I was already a professional psychotherapist specializing in marriage counseling at this time. In the hands of a psychopath, my strengths and passion helping individuals and couples create happy lives and fearless loving relationships, turned me into the ULTIMATE victim. Through my devastating experience of loving and leaving a psychopath, I learned first-hand about the fraudulence and darkness of the loveless and the long and often winding journey of recovery as I returned to myself, repaired my self-worth, and redesigned a life I could once again love.
2. How did you adjust your mindset after your breakup so, instead of focusing on what was lost, you focused on what you could gain?
Embracing my strengths and spirituality encouraged my journey of loving myself unconditionally and accepting that my body and heart are sacred. In the midst of suffering, my sorrow found expression in dancing Argentine Tango. Through learning new skills, deep soul connection to the music, and by finding balance between strength and surrender—I gradually rebuilt new confidence. I grew away from my shattered heart sinking with confusion and despair. I became inspired again. My personal passage through grief encouraged me to write Love Trauma (2018). I want to bring alive the illusion merged with reality and the painstaking truths of what happens when love and the loveless collide.
3. If every person that comes into our lives is truly an opportunity for us to learn and grow, what do you believe your ex was there to teach you?
Today, I am awake, alive, and thankful for my encounter with my psychopath. I came to understand and honor that my strengths, my goodness, and my beauty were part of what made me a target. I also honored that these very qualities also allowed me to rise above the pain and loss and reinvent myself while reclaiming my power.
This experience has brought my calling into fullness: I’m on mission to educate and empower individuals and couples to heal their wounded hearts, live free from the pain and powerlessness of the past, and create safe and secure intimate marriages and Fearless Love.
4. One of the most popular sayings is, time heals all wounds. What did you discover over time that helped you heal your wounds most?
It’s not that time heals all wounds, it’s that time places distance between you and the wound. If no action is taken to heal, the wound will lie under the surface. The only way to overcome the trauma of experiences like mine is to address the trauma head-on and work through it. For me it was a combination of things that I did right that helped me to heal.
First, I never gave up my faith, instead I dug deeper.
Second, I removed myself from the company of toxic people and pulled in closer to my inner circle that assured me I wasn’t alone.
Third, I educated myself by reading as much as I could on love, abuse, trauma, sex and love addiction, narcissists, psychopaths, etc. I also attended continuing education classes and interviewed experts in these fields. I learned a psychopath’s mission is to deceive, dominate, damage and discard women. They are addicted to the thrill and power of deception.
Fourth, after the abusive relationship my natural love and compassion transformed into overwhelming confusion, panic and anxiety. I responded by nurturing, caring and loving my self physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. By accepting my humanness and vulnerabilities, I forgave myself.
So if you want to hone in on the best thing I did, that would be— keeping hope alive. No matter how much I struggled and how my physical body ached or seemed to fall apart in the midst of my shattered soul, my faith and hope remained unshaken that one day I’d get to the other side and be happy and whole again.
5. How did you grow up and grow into yourself because of the relationship?
The betrayal I experienced destroyed my innocence and how I saw the world. Today, I can see the cruelty and evil that exists. I am no longer fooled by wolves in sheep’s clothing. Without having to deny it, minimize it or excuse it, I can address the darkness from a place of power rather from fear or panic. Although coming into this reality was painful, I am more complete and effective as a person and as a healer.
6. Coming out of your breakup, is there anything you could have done that would have gotten you to where you are now, only more quickly? If so, what would that have been?
Hmmm, I don’t know what that would be, but if I did, I would be doing it right now! As you know, the heart needs time to accept the loss and embrace a new vision for your life. Healing cannot be rushed. It must be engaged.
7. What would you tell someone who was in need of finding the silver lining in their breakup?
Don’t give up on love and definitely don’t give up on you. In the midst of great pain and suffering, our greatest challenge can become our greatest opportunity for transformational healing and change. You are worthy of a man’s respect, love, and protection. You’re wired to love and be loved, fearlessly!
8. If you could say or ask one last thing to your ex, what would you rather do? And what would the statement or question be?
Baby, thanks so much for rocking my world. Because of you, I have learned to dance with wolves!
9. In your opinion, what does it mean to breakupward? What would that look like to you?
To breakupward means to learn and grow from each of your relationships. Love propels us into higher consciousness and awareness. It’s climbing Maslow’s hierarchy of needs and self-actualization with the understanding that the most important mission we have on this earth is to love.
For me that would be continuing to live my life to the fullest, helping set hearts free to truly love, and finding my life partner. That man will offer me a safe and secure relationship, one that is committed and monogamous where we build friendship first, sharing similar lifestyle, ethics and passions!
Connect with Jianny yourself on FB, Twitter, LinkedIn, YouTube, and Google+. Explore her coaching and counseling options for singles, couples, and those in the process of or who are contemplating divorce at fearlesslove.net. While we spoke mainly about her speciality in toxic partnerships, Jianny has many offerings—amongst my favorite are her affairs recovery, family coaching, divorce care and coaching, and premarital counseling.
A Breakup Coach trained and certified in Solution-Focused Life Coaching, Chelsea Leigh Trescott helps her clients find meaning in what's been lost. For a chance to be featured in her HuffPo advice column or Mogul Q&A series write Chelsea@breakupward.com.
For coaching services, including e-coaching services, visit Breakupward.com.
For 20% during the holidays on any of her services, mention "Thank You, Heartbreak."
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A Breakup Coach trained and certified in Solution-Focused Life Coaching, Chelsea Leigh Trescott is the host of the podcast Thank You Heartbreak and the founder of Breakupward—a movement encouraging men and women to use heartbreak and setbacks as an opportunity to launch themselves to a greater [...]