There’s no doubt about it: relationships take work… but if it’s been feeling like more work than joy, you may be asking yourself if it’s time to call it quits. This is never an easy decision, but here are some insights that may help you figure out whether to make up or break up.
How Did You Get Here?
When couples stay in a relationship that is just not working anymore, one or both partners are often doing so out of sheer comfort in “the known” — even if that known experience is itself very uncomfortable and painful. There is comfort in predictability even within the most dysfunctional relationships that continue past the point where they should have ended.
If you’re stuck in this kind of relationship, you’ve likely trained yourself in “skills” such as how to disassociate, how to abandon yourself and your needs, or how to abandon the needs of your partner. Most couples in this situation who stay with each other do so out of fear. Sometimes it’s fear of being alone, and sometimes — perhaps at a subconscious level — it’s out of fear that they themselves may be a major cause of the relationship’s breakdown; this is what’s known as denial.
Another reason you may find yourself lingering in a relationship that just isn’t working is if, at a spiritual level, your soul feels something isn’t complete — that there’s still a lesson that can only come from this particular relationship.
Should You Stay or Should You Go?
Now that you’ve taken a closer look at some of the reasons why you may have stayed in the relationship this long, here are three questions to ask yourself that can help you consider whether it is truly time to move on and give yourself a fresh chance at healthy love with someone new.
- Have you been denying your own value? – Have you allowed any form of physical, emotional, or verbal abuse? Or have you allowed the relationship to exist in disconnection from your personal value system? You may have given up so much of yourself to make this partnership work that you feel you’re starting to lose yourself — and you know when you’re doing it. This can also manifest as a need to control your partner in order to feel happy or content with them.
- Have you been ignoring your inner knowing? – Regardless of how young or old of a soul we might be, we feel it instinctively like an animal when we know we’re in danger. We feel it the moment anything is off: fear, confusion, a sense that something just isn’t right. If you’ve felt these kinds of warnings from deep within you but chosen to ignore them in order to stay in the relationship, pause and really listen to what your soul is telling you. Is this relationship really fulfilling your needs for love, safety, respect, acceptance, and companionship?
- Have you ignored warnings from friends and loved ones? – Notice whether you’re at a point where you are seeing an unhealthy shift in your friendships and other close relationships. This is a sign that you’ve lost yourself from being in this partnership. You may start to hear or experience a trend from people who know and love you sharing that you don’t seem as happy any more or don’t seem like yourself. They may observe that something about you has changed or they may express that they’re concerned. These are telltale warning signs and red flags that it’s time to consider moving on from this relationship.
Finally, if you do decide to break up, realize that this doesn’t mean there is anything “wrong” with you or your partner. It simply means that you’ve learned what you can from each other and it’s time to heal and move forward. Ultimately, finding a Life Mate® that you can continue to grow, change, and heal with comes down to your own readiness to do so. Start by choosing to prioritize your own healthy, loving existence and you’ll be well on your way to inviting a healthy, loving partnership.
Kailen Rosenberg is CEO and founder of Love Architects by Kailen, an elite matchmaking and love design firm that remodels the love lives of some of the world’s most influential people. She is transforming the face of love on this planet through her new Real Reveal® test, which uncovers the truth [...]