Hi, my name is Ami, I'm 21 years old (22 years young in 9 days) and I've never been kissed...oops. I'm not sure how to explain it, but I've always had a hard time feeling or imagining intimacy and romance, as well as feeling comfortable in who I am. I always thought because I lived in a traditional Indian household, I just wasn't exposed to things of that nature. For instance, I never saw my parents hug or kiss, and I never really received attention like that either, however, there was still lots of love to give--don't get me wrong. As a young child, watching movies with sex scenes, kissing, and just intimate moments in general, I would naturally close my eyes and say things like "ew gross", and sadly, I still do this. I've never had a boyfriend, a fling, hooked up, "grinded" with a guy at the club, and the list goes on. The most I've ever done with a guy is some innocent flirting at the bar with shoulder caressing, and flirty texting. I actually recently went on my first date ever, but I just wasn't feeling it (heard some bad things about the guy that truly turned into a character assassination). I even mess around on apps like Tinder, but by mess around, I mean chatting for a bit and then ghosting them because it's never that serious.
I love boys and am attracted to all of them out there (I'm essentially the epitome of Charli XCX's lyric "I was busy thinking 'bout boys"). I'm always crushing hard and am that girl who says "my boyfriend just walked in" about a complete and total stranger. But with all of this in mind, "it" just never happened for me. I'm not sure why, but it upsets me because I feel like I missed something and feel out of place sometimes. I look around at all my friends who are in relationships, see couples on campus, hear about hook up stories, and think, “how do people do it?”.
Not to toot my own horn, but I would say I'm a decently attractive person, quite social, witty and smart, and really just someone a guy would enjoy being around (at least I hope so). But I can't use any of these qualities to my gain in order to snatch a “mans” because I overthink everything and get scared. On the other hand, I'm also a pretty detached person emotionally and physically-- I'm basically a meme you see online about your friends not liking hugs and being affectionate. Sometimes I even think to myself that I don’t need to get married or justify to myself that I can be without a partner for the rest of my days just to avoid sexual, intimate, and romantic feelings with a man.
For a few years now, I've been contemplating whether I'm somewhere on the asexual spectrum because of these feelings and the way I think and interact. I've been researching on the topic, especially watching videos of other people explaining their asexual experiences and interpretations, but it sometimes makes me even more confused that I already am. When I tell people that I've never kissed anyone or had a boyfriend, in conjunction with mentioning I may be asexual (a term I've learned that many people have never heard of), they laugh and essentially think it's a joke. They tell me it's because I haven't met the "one" yet, but I honestly don't know if that's it.
The idea of being romantic and intimate with a guy genuinely scares me, however, I want to experience these things, but at the same I really don't. I know I'm still fairly young and have so much time to figure it out, but I just wish I had it all figured out now.