If there is any lesson I learned today, it is never open up an online dating conversation with "Happy Hump Day." Just. Don't. Do. It.
I made that regretful mistake today on Bumble. Here's how it went down:
Me: Happy Hump Day!
B: You trying to hump today or what?!
Me: I know, I was hella forward right out the gate. *laughing emoji*
B: Trying to get it in...I get it
(You see, I was in fact...not trying to get it in. I just wanted to say something different and regretted my opener instantly)
Me: Actually I was trying to go beyond "hey what's up" and basically went 0 to 100 unintentionally *laughing emoji*
B: Hahaha all good
Me: Like, I'm not against humping. I just had immediate regret on that opener. Hi, I'm M.A. and I'm not a weird as hell awkward signal mixer at all.
B: Haha...we can hump
B: Big D as well.
Me: *100 emoji*
B: Want that pic?
Me: I haven't had lunch first
B: ok ok *shrugging emoji*
So basically I made a ridiculous mistake by sexually innuendo-ing my first line and feeding into his immediate jump on a sexual conversation. But it made me think more about D pics. Like, why do guys think we want to see that? I personally HATE them. I mean, sorry, the peen is not that sexy. Does it turn me on? Yes, in the right setting. Do I find it attractive? Nope. Not really. Especially not on a Wednesday afternoon when I'm at work and should be doing my job instead of searching for a life partner. (I know, the odds of me finding one on Bumble are slim).
I think D pics are like the spoilers in movie trailers. You know, when all the highlights are shown and you watch the movie and you know all the punchlines already. Or perhaps men are rejected so often they feel proud to show their girth to combat a bit of fragile male ego? I don't know. What I do know is when posed with the opportunity to view one's genitalia I clam up. I don't know what to say. No thank you?
Yes, that is it.
No thank you sir. Have a good hump day.