It’s truly such a saddening thing to come across all over again. You think you’ve almost healed by now. You think you’re equipped with wisdom to know how it will turn out and you think you’re capable of coming out of it just about right. But, the thing is it’s hard to stay in the sky when it feels as you are consistently being pulled to the ground. Eventually, you will hit rock bottom. Not because you gave-up, not because you didn’t learn. You fall so hard because being wounded in the same place hits hard and deep right where it hurts. You hurt so badly because you chose the bright side over your not so bright experiences with the same issue at hand. You are a fighter, you are a believer, you are a warrior of some vision that you will fall 99 times and get-up a 100 if you had to. You come empty handed although you are full of these:
Something changes in you when you go through a dark moment in life and feel like you have no one there for you: no one to talk to about what is going on in your head or the race occupying your heart, no one who would understand you completely, no one who would feel the enormous amount of pain invading your body, mind and soul. All you want is to stop the pain, to sleep at night, to breathe smoothly, to not be so afraid of trusting someone, not so afraid of the idea of loving. So, you distance yourself from the world because it feels like the world distanced itself from you.
You would do anything for the people you love. You are always there and make yourself available 24/7. But when you need them, they’re never there for you so something in you dies. You want to count on them. You want to believe the love is real, true, pure and all but you can’t help but feel mistreated, abandoned and taken for granted. And so you lose these intimate connections you had with everyone around you because you just can’t feel that they love or care for you. So, you kind of start to unconsciously resent their affection because it feels fake, it feels lacking, it feels abusive. You lose trust. You feel just as empty as you did before if not even more. You feel like there’s a hole in your heart that won’t close, but only keeps on widening, expanding, spreading. And although your heart's on fire, you're somehow in the cold. Drowning. Suffocating. Reaching for air but you only seem to sink deeper and deeper.
You reach to the point where you start questioning everything that you know, the choices you have made and how they lead you to where you are at this very exact moment. You begin to wonder if you are making the same mistake, if you deserve what is happening to you, or if bad things happen to good people all the time, everywhere. We hurt and get hurt, it is an inevitable cycle of life but once we find ourselves being lied to, treated badly and thrown to the curb over and over again, we start to think we are doing something wrong. We don’t want to believe that we’ll never receive the love we are reciprocating. We doubt not ourselves but what we thought was an extension of us.
“Hello darkness, my old friend.
I've come to talk with you again.
In restless dreams I walked alone
Silence like a cancer grows”
Born in Jordan with Palestinian origin. Farah is an only child, raised by a single mother. An Aries by heart. Deep af. She believes in magic and love is her religion. She wants to make the world a beautiful place by inspiring people through her writings.