Today is April Fools' Day. It is a day notorious for pranks, false advertising and jokes galore. I used to love pranking my loved ones, but now it is apparently in "poor taste" to post fake sonogram photos on your Facebook page with a "holy shit, I'm surprised" comment. Some believe it is insensitive to those people who are trying and cannot have children. I understand. I don't even like children so I'm not sure why I thought that prank was funny anyway.
So in honor of April Fools' Day, I thought I'd share with you my Top Ten Tomfoolery Moments in no particular order. I exist to entertain:
- Indecent Descent - My dog has been diagnosed with degenerative myelopathy (Dog ALS) and it totally sucks. He is in the early stages and does physical therapy and gets around just fine (so all good things). To keep tabs on him while I'm at work, I've started pointing my security camera inside. He sleeps on the couch most of the day but I have peace of mind knowing I can see him. Well...one evening I forgot to turn the camera back out to the street and came down the stairs to grab a quick drink of water before my shower. The thing is...I live alone...so I made my way downstairs naked. And the camera recorded....EVERYTHING.
- Unrequited Crush - I had a really intense crush on a guy in high school (who didn't?) I would time my classroom exits so I could run into him in the hall. I made him playlists and wrote him sweet notes. He flirted back which made me try even harder. I LOVED him. We ended up going to different colleges and drifted apart...never to become the item so I desperately wanted us to be. Today he is happily married to his husband.
- Exercise Expression - I have a bad habit of passing gas during group workouts at the most uncomfortable of times. I'm talking about when the group fitness class is dead silent. I mean, you can hear a pin drop. Then...PURT. This bodily function is usually followed by an immediate leg jerk reaction as if my body is startled by the strange noise. All this does is declare ownership of the deed. Every. Time.
- Saucy Saturday - One evening I was having a rather "adult" text conversation with a guy "friend" of mine. I'm not sure what happened as the conversation came to a close but my imagination tells me it was something saucy. Unfortunately, the next day I texted "So..how did YOUR night turn out last night? Winkey Emoji." Why was this unfortunate? I sent the text to my Dad. -_- I tried to play it off and told him one of my friend was really drunk but I was not. Not sure if he bought it.
- Squeaky Slide - In college I was hanging out with my two guy friends the summer before my senior year. We decided to go to a nearby playground and relive our childhood. The playground had a beautiful metal slide that I eagerly climbed to the top of to slide down. Well, I got stuck and I was also wearing a skort (skirt/shorts). Needless to say, friction was not my friend, my skort became a thong and my butt cheeks made a loud squeaking sound as I tried to descend the slide. My guy friends almost died from laughter. One of those guys became my best friend and he still heckles me about it to this day.
- Crabs - I was in Wal-Mart one day and bought a tub of crab meat in preparation for making some crab pie (yes it is a thing). The cashier joked with me saying, "We just had a crab fest at my house yesterday. You should have been there." I laughed at the social interaction attempt and paid for my items. As I got ready to leave I turned back to her and said very loudly, "Hey, let me know next time you have crabs!" She was not amused.
- Bro Down - While watching the Summer Olympics at a bar, by myself, a group of guys walked in. The bartender gestured to the empty seats around me telling them "these are all open." The guys surrounded me and ordered their drinks. Some of them were cute. I glanced up at the beach volleyball tournament and turned to the guy to my left. In a pitiful attempt to flirt, I said "Yo, beach volleyball is my shit." He gave me a polite nod and turned to his friend, ignoring me the rest of the evening.
- Kiss for Hire - One New Year's Eve, I snuck in a water bottle with Everclear in my pantyhose. I ordered rum punch and mixed my contraband with the cocktail. (Poor life choices). As the alcohol lowered my inhibitions, I began to walk to each guy in the bar and ask them if they had someone to kiss at midnight. I told them the bar hired me to make sure everyone had someone to kiss after the countdown. I didn't get any takers on my initial offer but I did somehow end up making out with a guy at midnight after he heckled me for ordering a PBR for my toast.
- What do you Meme? - When searching for an image to add to a company-wide e-mail my boss sent me a Fraiser meme that said "I'm Listening." I thought it was edgy and a great way to get people's attention. I sent the draft e-mail with the meme to the head of HR for approval. Moments later I found out my boss was only joking and was horrified I actually sent the e-mail with the meme. If you give me a chance to be edgy...I'm going to take it. Fortunately I am still employed.
- Off on the Wrong Foot - At my dog's first physical therapy appointment, I had to introduce myself and my dog to our technician. She said "Hi Rocky." I immediately corrected her...twice. "His name is Bronx. Bronx is his name." She gave me a look, "That's what I said." I let it go but felt kind of awkward. 15 minutes later I brought up the mishap again. Turns out she said "Hi Bronxie." The therapy place just lost a dog named Bronx so they knew exactly what his name was. I felt like such an idiot.
There are many more moments just like these but for today,here is a taste of ten. May you keep your wits about as you traverse through this day of foolery.