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I'mNotaLostGirlAnymore

mayabrownie
over 1 year Story
I'm Not a Lost Girl Anymore

I was thinking about Peter Pan and the Lost Boys and it got me thinking, what about the lost girl? Not physically lost but mentally. For a while, I was pretty lost and I think I can say that at this point I’ve “found myself”, but not everyone can say the same.


When we’re ‘lost’ we do a lot of things, and a lot of things make us hurt more than we did before.


My first relationship, for example. I hate to say that it was a “mistake” because I did learn a lot and I’m glad (though I’d rather have learned those lessons another way), but it did happen at a relatively bad time. For a good chunk of my life I was lost, but at the time I dated him my father had recently passed away and I was still broken and weak.

I loved him more than I loved myself, which is a dangerous mistake.  Everyone says that you have to love yourself before someone else can love you, and while I don’t think that’s entirely true, I think it does hold some importance. Loving someone else more than you love yourself seriously takes a toll on you mentally and physically.


I was living my life to please my boyfriend, to make him happy, to keep him satisfied, to be what he needed- I was living my life for him.


If my life was a movie he took the starring role and I was pushed into the background. As a 16 year old girl with no job, it gets hard to buy gifts for your significant other all the time. And in this time, I began to neglect myself. I only kept myself groomed because that’s what he liked in a girl. I worked out just enough for it to match his desires and cravings.


So yes, physically, I looked okay but mentally, that was an entirely different story.


I have long since broken up with him (well, he with me- for someone else) but in the time after the breakup, I didn’t know how to adjust. I’d gone back to living for myself and being my own person, but I’d forgotten how to do that. I felt empty for a long time. And though everyone quickly helped me realize that he wasn’t that great and that I was extremely out of his league, I still found myself missing him.

But I don’t think I truly missed him but I missed having someone to love since I couldn’t love myself. He gave me the motivation to do things because I feared that he’d leave me if I strayed from the image of the girl he “loved”.


But without him, I became lost once again, more so than before, only worse because I had something to fill that initial void, but him leaving just left a bigger gash in my soul.


I do believe self-love is important, and I learned that the hard way. Finding yourself is important because maybe you’ll end up in my shoes: having a verbally abusive ex who you almost got back together with, almost dating a racist who has no respect for you, hooking up with guys because they give you a little shred of attention and just overall making self-destructive decisions every few moments.


We all struggle with finding ourselves from time to time. I mean, what does that even mean?


It’s okay to not know who you are, but make sure you have a good idea of it before you try and love someone else or it will take a toll on you. And if you’re still in highschool, there’s absolutely no rush to “fall in love”.

Because chances are, you might look back on those you were so infatuated with and wonder why that was. I don’t think I’d have given my ex or those flings a second glance if  I’d have been where I am today.


I know who I am and I’m happy with that, I’m in love with the most important person: myself.


Yeah, maybe someone to share my happiness with would be nice, but I’m happy now, and that’s all that matters.


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  • Ameris Jimenez
    Ameris Jimenez Mogul President at The University of Illinois
    over 1 year ago Champaign, IL, United States

    When I was 17, I was already in an on again off again type of relationship with my then high school boyfriend. He was my first love and I remember before my senior year of high school, my grandfather passed away and I was in such a dark place that I needed my boyfriend even more. Our relationship was very toxic and co-dependent for all 4 years of high school and after we separated for college I started to feel less attached to him as I was forced to be more independent. We broke up but 3 months shortly, I met another guy who ended up being my second long term boyfriend. He ended up being very verbally abusive and tore me to shreds. Never have I felt so lost and my sense of self was just completely gone. I did go through a self-destructive time in my life after that but here I am now, 20 years old and finally learning how to do things for myself because I love it and I want to do nothing but grow. I stopped seeking approval from men and started to approve of myself. You and I are both young but you're so wise for your age. I'm sure you'll grow to be a wonderful woman and you'll find someone who will see how great you are.  

    When I was 17, I was already in an on again off again type of relationship with my then high school boyfriend. He was my first love and I remember before my senior year of high school, my grandfather passed away and I was in such a dark place that I needed my boyfriend even more. Our relationship was very toxic and co-dependent for all 4 years of high school and after we separated for college I started to feel less attached to him as I was forced to be more independent. We broke up but 3 months shortly, I met another guy who ended up being my second long term boyfriend. He ended up being very verbally abusive and tore me to shreds. Never have I felt so lost and my sense of self was just completely gone. I did go through a self-destructive time in my life after that but here I am now, 20 years old and finally learning how to do things for myself because I love it and I want to do nothing but grow. I stopped seeking approval from men and started to approve of myself. You and I are both young but you're so wise for your age. I'm sure you'll grow to be a wonderful woman and you'll find someone who will see how great you are.  


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