“All I wanna be is away for a long time- an overwhelming truth.” - House and Home
It’s been awhile since I’ve read a lyric that explains me so well. It completely captures my inner most desires when I am destroyed by my depression. I’m known to develop this need to escape myself; to experience a life that isn’t my own. No matter what the universe throws at me, I can’t shake the feeling of wanting to get away. Suicide used to seem like the only answer. It was the only version of “away” I could imagine that would relieve me of the pain I dealt with every day of my life. For so long, I wanted to be “away” forever.
But I didn’t go through with it. I chose a different “away.”
My father is one of the most complicated men I’ve ever known, and I love him more every day for that. He’s been with me through my worst times. He held my recovering broken body the day after my suicide attempt all those years ago. He listened to me cry for absolutely no reason and told me everything would be okay. He saved me with a simple phone call. When I felt all my hope slipping away two weeks ago, he advised me to come home for the weekend.
I got away.
Being at home for three days was the greatest thing I could have done for my mental health. For what seemed like the first time in forever, I was able to push my inner demons aside. My immense insecurities, that overpower my mind daily, grew silent as I enjoyed the company of my family. They reminded me that I don’t need to handle everything on my own; I have people who will use all of their strength to drag me out of the hole my depression has put me in time and time again.
My sisters caught me up on what was new in their lives; I smiled as they spoke with such virosity. They have a spark in their eyes that I never want to see them lose - a spark I saw myself losing, but it was reignited by their positivity. My entire family saved me without even knowing it.
I no longer want to be away.