Drama. Ugh. Even the word elicits a visceral response from many of us. (And yes, your eye roll counts!) We all say we want less drama in our lives, but how many of us are actually able to identify when we are participating in it and make a different choice? Let’s take a closer look at the hidden cause behind relationship drama and see if we can nip this thing in the bud once and for all.
There have been numerous books, speeches and other explorations about the many reasons why we may come to participate in unhealthy relationship communication. If we all take a step back, though, allow ourselves a collective sigh, and set down our baggage for a moment, breaking the cycle of relationship drama really comes down to this: ending victim/perpetrator language.
Victim/perpetrator language is a toxic communication style. It uses guilt, shame, and manipulation to bring about desired results. Language of this sort objectifies the parties involved, casts blame, takes no personal responsibility, and creates explosive and intractable relationship conflict. It divides us from having loving interactions with others, whether they are a partner, a member of our family, or someone in our workplace or community.
What do you do when you’re living in a drama-filled relationship battered by toxic communication? First, you have to recognize what’s going on. What are the common strategies or phrases you observe being used in your relationships? Here are some examples to get your started with what to look for:
- You never do anything special for me.
- You always say you’re going to do it and then you don’t.
- You always forget about me.
- You’re not giving me enough.
- You’re not pulling your weight.
- This isn’t good enough.
- I need more from you.
- I want more from you.
- This isn’t working.
- I need you to do better than this.
Where is the kindness here? Where is the understanding? We are all “divine rockstars,” capable of accessing our true godlike and goddess natures. To end relationship drama for good, it’s up to us to learn a new way of speaking that helps rather than hurts. The words we use not only have the power to convey our deepest feelings and thoughts, but also our divine nature.
Here’s another toxic communication classic: “You’re wrong.” My BFF told me she commonly heard this from people she loved until she shifted her life to live her full goddess nature. She’d share how she felt, saying something like, “That makes me a little angry,” and the person would reply, “You’re wrong to be angry about this.” Really? Wrong to feel emotion? Wrong to express it? What in the world is going on here?
Unless you’ve been living under a rock or perhaps on Mars, you’ve heard “everyone” say how important communication is in relationships. Well, they’re talking about openhearted, honest, loving communication, not the raised-voice or talk-to-the-hand toxic variety.
Our divine cores—our god and goddess selves—want to use words that are loving and kind because it’s who we truly are. We speak from our hearts. We allow ourselves to be vulnerable when saying something doesn’t come easily, when it’s a little scary to share this much of ourselves. Here are some examples of the kind of language we can begin to practice to shift out of relationship drama:
- I feel…
- That makes me feel like…
- What I think I hear you saying is…
- This is hard for me to say, but I’d like to share X with you.
- I’m not sure how to say this.
- I want to share with you.
- I want you to share with me.
- Can we be totally honest here?
- This doesn’t feel very loving or kind to me.
- I want to understand.
- My feelings are my responsibility.
- I take responsibility for my part in X.
As we transform our way of speaking and move away from toxic victim/perpetrator language, our communications will naturally become more open and less charged—aka free from drama. Try it out next time you face a challenging interaction and see how it changes the conversation. Embrace your inner divine rockstar and watch your relationships blossom.
About the Author: International bestselling author Ava Miles calls herself a divine rockstar—something she believes everyone is deep down. Her all-new book series, “The Goddess Guides to Being A Woman,” invites us all to reimagine what it means to be a modern woman—on our own terms. Join Ava in letting the brilliance of your true goddess nature—and that of all the girls and women in your life—shine through. For more information, visit www.AvaMiles.com.
International bestselling author Ava Miles calls herself a divine rockstar—something she believes everyone is deep down. Her all-new book series, “The Goddess Guides to Being A Woman,” invites us all to reimagine what it means to be a modern woman—on our own terms. Join Ava in letting the [...]