Sometimes, the overwhelming feeling of being so completely and utterly alone pulls me off into oblivion.
I am surrounded by the most loving, caring, and understanding beings on the planet.
My father reads up on depression to better understand me.
My best friends listen to me cry over nothing because they know I can’t control it.
My mother hits me with logical reasoning every time my irrational brain tries to take over.
My therapist provides me with coping mechanisms to help me survive my darkest moments.
I have all these extraordinary people in my life...
Why would they want to be with a broken doll like me?
I look in the mirror and see nothing but the body of a girl who hates every single piece of herself.
I pick myself apart like petals from a dying flower.
This voice in my head screams in my ears.
I smile at the world while my inner demons repeat my every flaw on a tireless loop inside my mind.
Trying to be convincing that no one loves me… that no one will ever love me.
So what do I do?
I fight. I fight myself, and for myself, all day every day with whatever strength I can muster up. I fight to make the smile on my face genuine and bright, because I refuse to let the darkness win.
I forgive. I forgive those who have hurt me because holding onto pain only gives my depression more power. I refuse to enable. I forgive no matter the damage; everyone makes mistakes and deserves a chance to to redeem themselves.
I love. I love with every fiber of my being. I love so much that for a few measly seconds, those god damn voices shut up.
Fighting hurts. Forgiving hurts. Loving hurts.
There are times where I feel the worst pain imaginable because fighting the voices didn’t work or I forgave someone who hurt me again or I loved an individual so much who held no love for me.
Then there are the other times.
When I look in the mirror and feel a sense of peace instead of disappointment.
When the person I forgave proves to me they were beyond worthy of another chance.
When the memories with the person I once loved remind me that I CAN be happy and loved by someone.
Sometimes I feel so completely and utterly alone.
But then I fight, I forgive, and I love.
And suddenly I’m a little less alone and a little more happy.