I want to write about something today, something I have been observing but do not seem to be able to put my thoughts in coherent sentences. There is no particular point I am trying to make but I am just sharing what I have observed and internalized within.
We live in a world where control is at its core. Every human being has been raised under a program that relinquishes self love and self expression. Everyone seems to be hyper sensitive nowadays. Being offended by every possible thing you can think of. Since very young, we are taught to fit in, to observe the things around us, to not stir things up, to see how things are done and then repeat them perfectly. Over time, as we become an adult in this overbearing judgmental society, we forget to be an individual altogether. You only know how to fit in. You lose your identity along the way and yet you wonder what happened and why you feel so lost?
If we make mistakes along the way, we are taught that we should feel ashamed of ourselves. Shame, it is always a tool used to control someone, isn’t it? If they are supposed to do something by society standard because of whatever reason, Make them feel the guilt and put them to shame until they are paralysed and we will control their entire being from there. I have spent extra time observing things around me of late - what people say, what people ask because more often than not, the questions they ask about anything reflects their inner deepest believes whether they are admitting it to themselves or not. I have friends who would say things to fish for compliments, I would notice. I can tell because they keep repeating the same achievements over and over until I would give them the compliments they were fishing for. And then it stopped. I’m not saying it’s a right or wrong thing here, more often than not, they may not even know that they are doing it themselves. But in my head, I’m analysing...in this person’s mind, what necessitates such an unconscious action. A possible hidden reason (might be not acknowledged by the person even) to me that the person thrives on external validations.
Sometimes friends would tell me what they find wrong about someone and added that “not that I mind it, but you know?” In my head, I was like “yes you mind it. And a lot too because if you truly don’t mind it, you wouldn’t notice it in the first place.” You are just saying that “I don’t mind” because subconsciously the society has programmed you to suppress your own true thoughts which are seen as rude by the society at large. You mask it so that you won’t be judged harshly. Are you even aware of what the society is running your life without even you realising it?
Sometimes my friends would tell me what they find wrong with their bodies as they grow older. I would feel really uncomfortable, at the loss for words because I honestly don’t know what to respond. I won’t give fake compliments if that is what you are seeking. But it’s interesting to see how many of us are fighting so hard the natural ageing process of a human body, which through my eyes, I truly find extremely beautiful. All the scars and marks, all the grey hairs, wrinkles and changes our body reminds us of the wonderful life experiences and hard lessons we have had to go through, how can you not appreciate those reminders? But instead, you compare yourself to other people who is in a complete different stage of life than you and is living under a complete circumstance than you? How is that fair?
I also notice how people tend to plan ahead...not while enjoying the present but ignoring the present. I notice people put their lives on pause, waiting for something grand to happen before they pursue something their heart wishes for. I notice people wait and wait for that something which never comes and not realising that that something is within themselves after all if only they spare the time to look deeper inside and spend enough time to be with themselves. I also notice the society has programmed us to think that being alone is pathetic and being surrounded by people is always preferred because it is cool. And when you start to lose touch with yourself through all these façades you try to portray to the world that you are not a pathetic individual, you wonder why don’t you feel happy.
We live in a world where self care is seen as selfish and that to be desired and wanted, we have to show the world that we will sacrifice ourselves for others. We value loyalty so much that we can not afford to change our mind. We will be judged, condemned and shamed to get out of any commitments we made in the past. It’s okay even if you are miserable in the process because you are committed to keep what your younger self has decided for you. There is no way out because as a human, you absolutely cannot grow and change your mind. Whatever your decision is at any point in time will define you for life. No wonder everyone is scared. And only then we are seen as being heroic and we will be praised for our sacrifice and loyalty - nevermind if you are happy or not. The goal is to please everyone around you right?
Love and sacrifice always seem to go hand in hand - at least that is how we are taught. If there is no sacrifice, there is no love. That’s how we are taught to believe so all our lives, we thrive and seek to sacrifice ourselves so that we can prove to others that we love them - that we are someone of value. And after pulling yourself in all sorts of direction and offering a piece of yourself to everyone, you wonder why you feel so tired and so distorted and not functioning as you are supposed to, but darling, what can you give from an empty jar? But no, there is no time for self love because it is portrayed as selfish and pathetic for love coming from others are more desirable and valuable than that coming from yourself. And when you are giving so much love to others around you yet no one seems to be paying attention or notice your sacrifice you have made...then you start to feel that gut wrenching feeling inside - what’s that called? Oh, grudges, resentment...towards whoever that doesn’t seem to notice our love through our sacrifice. And because you think you can’t give love to yourself, you only seek the love you need elsewhere, from someone or something external and beyond your control and you wonder why you are so frustrated with life because no one seems to love you right, to love you exactly the way you want to. The truth is you don’t even know how you want to be loved because until you can love yourself, how on earth do you ever know what true love really is? But the society convinced you otherwise. Love always comes from elsewhere, keep looking, you are programmed to think. Do you even realise it?