It is Sunday morning and I was very excited. My best friend from graduate school would be coming to visit me. I hadn't seen her in over a year. I believe the last time I saw her was my 30th birthday. We survived grad school together and loved many of the same things. We were talking about starting a business together.
She arrives at my house and we embrace for much longer than normal. I give her a tour of my new home. As we marvel at the space my bathroom offers (it is a bigger than normal bathroom) we talk about our rental rates and living spaces.
"Well, I'm moving from my one bedroom apartment soon," she says.
"Oh, okay, cool."
"Yeah, I'm moving in with my boyfriend because we're having a baby," she replies and looks at me expectantly.
I don't know what to say but I know what I'm supposed to say.
"OMG, WOW! that is so exciting! Congratulations!"
I felt betrayed. Which is totally selfish because my friends are allowed to have great boyfriends and procreate without my consent. It is just for me, in that moment, I saw her board the pregnancy train. A train I wasn't sure I'd ever get on. She was the LAST person I ever expected to get pregnant AND be excited about it. She admitted she felt that way too, but people change.
She was excited. She told me this was the life change she never knew she needed but it was such a blessing. She was terrified and in denial for the first few days but over time realized that now was the best time to bring a life into the world. She was happy and even relieved that her life, a life she wasn't happy with, was taking a challenging and exciting direction.
I'm happy for her. I swear I am. I wish nothing but the best for her and her boyfriend and I think together they will make great parents. She has a large family who will be a steadfast support system and if she's happy, I am happy.
But I'm also being honest with myself and the way her news made ME feel. I was mad that I felt betrayed over something so wonderful. But I did, I still do. I thought we were going to be childless moguls taking on the media industry. We were anti-baby. We were career women through and through.
I'm one of the last of my friends to have kids. I'm also one of the very last of my friends to be single. I'm okay with both of these things. I can't imagine having a kid right now because I can't imagine having a kid with another person. There is no one in my life I want to procreate with at the moment. Also, yes, I am "selfishly" focused on my career and dreams and goals. Personally and I say this about myself only....I feel a child would be a barrier to those goals.
I bust my butt in school to go to a good college to get a degree (actually two) to get my dream job (still don't have it yet) and I'm just going to press pause? Not appealing to me in the least.
I suppose I enjoyed our childless camaraderie a bit too much. I embraced our shenanigans and drunken evenings. I loved that we were rebels and now everything is going to change, including our friendship. Her priorities changed (and that is wonderful for her) but now, we're totally different people who want totally different things.
I'm sure we'll stay friends. I'm sure she'll be a great mom. I wish nothing but the best for her. I will just continue on my train, as more and more of my friends hop off to board another. This is the train for me right now and I may never get off of it.