I didn’t wake up in my own bed this morning...not in yours either. It was a friend’s. My best friend’s. She’s held my hand through a lot; let me cry countless tears over you and listened as I would utter the words “I’m done” over and over while knowing I would run back the second you wanted another chance.
I brewed my coffee. I straightened my hair. I applied my eyeliner the same way I do every morning. This time though, it wasn’t to impress you; it wasn’t in hopes that you would take a second look at me and see me in a different light. I knew you didn’t care anymore, but I did it anyway.
Class helped. For a few hours I was able to focus on something other than you - how we used to make each other laugh by making innocent digs at each other, how we could do nothing but watch Youtube videos and still have a good time. School was a good distraction, even if only temporary.
I called my best friend, I needed her more than ever. I was drowning in an ocean of memories. The way it felt having your arms wrapped around me -- not even in a sexual way, rather as a form of comfort. The way you would ask before making a move as a sign of respect and thoughtfulness. The way you were so comfortable with affection in front of everyone. I wasn’t something to be ashamed of… or so I thought.
She took me to the grocery store to get groceries for dinner. Walking down the isles, I remembered the times we ran errands together; having to buy condoms for someone else that we ended up using, getting cleaning supplies for the bathroom only to have to run to another store because we forgot a shower curtain. We did everyday things together. It was normal. Everything was normal.
I can’t help but wonder if you think of what we lost. I watch Netflix on my couch, laugh with roommate, and poke fun at the characters in the show. My best friends sit right in front of me, yet my mind goes to you. Do you think about how long it has been since we’ve hung out with each other? Do you wonder how my life has changed without you in it the way that I wonder about yours?
I texted our mutual friend for advice. I poured my heart out about you - how I want to so badly forget you, while still struggling with the fact that I want to hold on for dear life. I explained the evil thoughts I tell myself to find a way to move on. Repetitively trying to convince myself that you don’t miss me, you don’t care, you find yourself better off without me. It only makes me feel worse.
He reads my paragraph. “You need distance,” he says. I tried that. I keep my distance and it only hurts more. It isn’t what he says that struck me right in the heart, it was how little; no correction on my assumption of your feelings, no reassurance that you ever cared. Nothing. I guess I was right all along.
Another day wasted wondering if I’ll ever get our friendship back, it’s what i’m missing most. I told you we would mess up our friendship in the end, but you convinced me everything would be okay right before you kissed me that first time. I wish you were right. Maybe one day I’ll have my best friend back, but until then -- I miss you and I hope you’re well.