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2y Richmond, VA, United States Story
An Excerpt from the Diary I Never Meant to Write: Ep. 1

The Bad Days.

They’re less frequent if that counts for anything. I like to think it does; knowing that that small improvement happened keeps me going. However less frequent doesn’t by any means mean less powerful. There are days that I physically can’t remove myself from my bed; those are what I call the bad days. I stay under the sheets and block out the sunlight that is desperate to enter not only my room but my mind. I should go to the bathroom. I should eat something. I should talk to someone. I should do all of those things, but they all seem impossible. I sleep for endless hours and if I’m not sleeping then I’m staring at the wall wondering how I let myself get this way. That’s just the thing though. That is what a lot of people don’t understand. I didn’t “let” this happen. No matter how much therapy I go through or meds that I take, I will still have days like this. That’s what depression is. It takes over your mind, body, and soul so much so that something as simple as getting a glass of water doesn’t seem the slightest bit possible.

This can’t be fixed. I can try to make them less frequent, but I don’t control where my mind goes. I don’t wake up one morning and think you know what? Let’s stay in bed all day and be depressed as shit! I could go to sleep completely fine and wake up with that feeling like nothing is in my soul. I feel like I could never really explain this to the people who know me because they aren’t dealing with it and it doesn’t make sense to them. Trust me, I still don’t get it either. Years ago when I first learned about depression and the symptoms, I couldn’t grasp how one could get to that level when the body can’t go on. But now I get it.

These days normally don’t last more than 24 hours which is good. I’ve given up fighting against them because that just makes me even more depressed if that makes sense. The more I fight and try to get myself to get up, the more pissed I get at myself for not being able to do it. Then I blame myself for what’s going on with my mind/body and the depression just gets worse. Now if I wake up and realize that body can’t get out of bed and my mind feels like it’s fighting a darkness that won’t light up, I use the coping skills I’ve developed over the years. I sleep; it gives me the chance to escape the thoughts running through my head. I keep a snack next to my bed at all times; I need to make sure I won’t starve myself when these days happen. I put my phone out of reach; trying to socialize with people is physically exhausting and I need my strength to get through the day. I counter the bad thoughts as well as I can; thinking positively is relatively hard, but countering every negative thought with a positive helps get through the day. At the end of the day, I make it a point to make plans with at least one person either that night or the next day. This guarantees that I’ll get myself out and about the next day which is what I need after staying in bed all day.

I guess that’s all I really have to say on it. Trust me, I wish with all my heart that these types of days didn’t happen to me or anyone else. I wish depression wasn’t something so many people had to deal with for their entire life, but that is something that I cannot change. All I, or anyone else, can really do is find different ways to cope with it. 

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