In early 2016, I was suffering through a major depression. It came on swiftly at the end of the previous year, capping off a dark and cold winter in New York City with an even darker mood. I was unclear on the cause and constantly wondered why my body was, in essence, attacking itself. It was a period of deep self-reflection for me, one in which I was unable to do anything except constantly re-evaluate all that I had accomplished so far in my career, personal life, and emotional development. The fog and confusion have remarkable ways of sending you on long, winding roads for answers; not just the answer to why you feel off, but to evaluate seemingly every aspect of your life. I’d ask myself questions like, ‘At what point did I go wrong’, ‘Where was the big mistake?’ and ‘What led me to this?’
As a person, I'm extremely uncomfortable sitting in the unknown, living in its dark discomfort. I try to leap forward into the light in these moments, grasping for air, for answers, for a step forward - just so that the uneasiness relaxes for a moment, a week, or a year. When you're constantly chasing comfort, not yet having learned the lesson that time is simply a unit of measurement, a perspective, even, it's hard to take very good care of yourself or others around you. It exhausts every part of your body and mind.
But what happens when you leap forward in a moment of desperation, seemingly blind, and you just happen to catch hold of something that does change your life? It's certainly possible - anyone who has struggled through a period of darkness to come out on the other side knows that there is something special about the dark side; something quite alive, virile, and human. Could it be our innate instinct to survive, whether it's recognized cognitively or not?
Experiencing it first hand, the energy of life spreading itself through the body, allows for incredible growth and resilience. Through the darkness comes the light, right? Except it doesn't just happen - it takes a dance with the devil in the basement of your mind to open your eyes once more.
My personal convo with the darkness inside me went something like this: "Lauren, stop kidding yourself. Stop trying to be someone you're not. Stop trying to climb Mount Everest when climbing Mount Kilimanjaro is also an excellent accomplishment. Stop trying so damn hard to reach the top of the top. Stop fearing the end. Start doing what you love. Start spending time with the people you care about. Start your creative engines. Start being yourself. Start loving yourself again. Start taking care of your body. Do your hair, girl."
I had that conversation over and over and over again until finally, one day, I started to believe what I was talking myself into day in and day out. I started to truly want to share my truth with others; to show who I really am on the inside with my audience, and have conversations about what's important to me. I wanted to create new businesses that came from a place of purity and goodness, reflections of a desire to live a life that is good enough, and nothing more or less than that. And, I wanted to feel beautiful again. Despite the judgment of others, there is a certain sweetness that comes with doing my hair. For me, it's symbolic of my journey back to wellness.
It had been a while for me, so selecting the right products that would aid in taking care of my new routine felt important. One of the first brands of haircare products I ever used growing up was the classic Bumble & bumble. I knew I wanted to stick with them, however, new products were a must to go along with this new chapter. The first time I got my hands on their salon quality shampoo, it made my heart skip a beat as a young teen. I remember feeling enthralled by the smells, quality, and texture of their products. Could Bumble & bumble bring that feeling back: the excitement of caring for oneself through carefully curated products dedicated to saving the day once again? The answer, I discovered, was yes.
I chose not one but two products to help treat myself, heal myself, and bring me and my hair back to life. For the PM, I use a While You Sleep Hair Masque that corrects damage overnight. It has a silky, creamy texture that blends into dry hair nicely and smells so good that any troubles from the day simply melt away. I sleep with my hair in a bun on top of my head, dozing off to dreamland with a perfume of promise infusing my slumber. When I wake, I wash my hair, and use Save the Day, a Daytime Protective Repair Fluid with camellia oil that protects it from the UV rays and heat that are guaranteed to come my way. When I walk out the door, my head is held high, my hair is just so, and I'm once again feeling the confidence I've been missing for some time.
Now, after a few months of my new routine - work, exercise, beauty, repeat, I feel differently on the inside. I feel moved in ways I haven't felt before. I feel empathy for others and this burning desire to be kind in a way that I hadn't experienced before my own bout with depression. I'm taking care of myself again. I'm wearing makeup. I'm getting exercise and drinking a ton of water. I'm doing my hair. And it feels good.
Lo Bosworth is a serial entrepreneur, based in New York City. Her newest venture: she is the founder of Love Wellness, a new brand of feminine wellness, hygiene, and wellness products for the modern woman. She is also the founder of TheLowdown.com, which was the winner of the Bloglovin' 2015 "Best [...]