1. I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.
2. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.
3. My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant.
4. Don't let an extra chromosome get you down.
5. I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.
6. People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now.
7. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
8. Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.
9. My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
10. I haven't slept for three days, because that would be too long.
11. The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."
12. My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.
13. Say what you want about deaf people...
14. I've spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer, but no one will do it.
15. I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade."
16. I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
17. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.
18. People say I'm condescending. That means i talk down to people.
19. You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.
20. Whiteboards are remarkable.
21. I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Share these with your friends by clicking below!
Mogul is a platform reaching millions of women per week across 196 countries and 30,470 cities. Mogul is democratizing information for women worldwide by enabling users to connect, share information, and access knowledge from each other. Headquartered in NYC, with offices in San Francisco and [...]