We can never go back in time, so we should savor each day as though it were our last” . You always said that to me as a constant reminder. You always told me to enjoy life.
For 6 months that we had been apart, tons of things dramatically changed. We got separated and tried to nurture a long distance (love-hate) relationship. You were at the comfort of your home. You were behaved while I was wild. We had irreconcilable differences.
Looking back, I knew you were patiently waiting for me. Even if I decided to stay away, you were willing to take a risk. You are nicer, more patient and more compassionate than I am.
You stayed with me despite all my misgivings. I was enjoying my time without you. I was single and carefree. And you always wanted me to be carefree. You said, “It’s okay, it’s your life. Have fun.”
So I did. I knew you were in love with me. And you never knew that I loved you, too. You should have realized that I could never live waiting for something that was not going to happen. I didn’t want to feel miserable forever. I would pity myself so much.
Telling me that you hated yourself because you loved me unconditionally saddened me. It sounded pathetic. I know it wrecked you when we fell apart. You got hurt, and so was I. because you realized that, unlike you, I was going out on a date with someone else when we were not together. I wasn’t like you who reserved himself for the person he truly loved. I wasn’t that person who waited and sat until his lover came back and pretended that everything was good to go. No, it would never be like that. Things would not always be the same. Change is constant. But turning your back on me was much more painful. It felt like the world had just dumped me.
We’re different. You should remember that. We have different needs, wants, desires and passions. We have a different strategy in engineering our time to entertain our lives.
And if I failed to keep up with your standard—the one you called “core value.” I want you to know that I respected that even though I wished I could change it somehow. I did not, in any way, protested against everything that you believed in and stood for. Please don’t make me feel guilty for what I’ve done. I thought it was rational, but for you, it was unacceptable.
Telling you to move on is just sadistic. I know it ain’t easy. Let’s forgive ourselves for the horror of our first round of failure and extract every particle of pain from our bone. It will all get better in time.
Sometimes, Life is complicated. So is love. It’s just the way it is. Let’s just be thankful we were given the opportunity to love and appreciate the beauty of pain.
And even if you tore me to pieces because of the life changing decision to not have me back in your arms, I don’t hate you.
I hope the challenges we went through and the decision you made served their purpose and that they wouldn’t give you regrets in the future. Love doesn’t win always, but I still believe it won’t get tired of giving us reasons to keep rolling. I respect your decision of turning your back on me and pushing me away. I hope that one day, when you recover and move on, you won’t look back and sigh out of regret. And for letting go of the love you wish you’ve ever had for one last time.
Let go of the unnecessary drama because it’s okay. It’s part of growing up. I know I will remain to be only a memory. And by the way, it mattered how it ended. But I may never love the same way again.
All I ask is, don’t hate yourself because you loved me. Instead, be grateful. After all, I’m a good memory.