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Three'saCrowd:RomanceAfterBaby#loveadvicetomyself

Laurel Nakai
over 4 years New Jersey, United States Story
Three's a Crowd: Romance After Baby #loveadvicetomyself

When two becomes three, it’s not just the living room full of baby toys, or the safety locks on all the cabinets, everything is transformed, including your relationship.

When I had my first baby, I knew that things would change, but it was still jolting stepping into that uncharted territory. I remember the doctor telling me I could have sex six weeks after the baby was born. “You have got to be kidding me,” I thought. That was absolutely the last thing on my mind. I was overwhelmed with being a new mom, I was exhausted and terrified, and everything I had to give was being given to my son. The first time my husband and I had sex after the baby was born was disappointing. It felt different, sometimes painful, and I was completely terrified that this was it, that things would never get back to where they were. I was so traumatized by that first experience, that it took another couple months before I tried again. (My husband is seriously the most patient and compassionate person ever...points for life!) But guess what? Eventually my body healed, my hormones calmed down, I got a handle on the whole being a mom thing, and things did get back to normal, even better than they were before. We even managed to make another baby (and things were way less traumatic the second time!)

 

If I could go back and give myself (and my husband) some words of wisdom, this is what I’d say:

 

Hey Mama:

  • You are amazing! You grew a baby and then you gave birth like a warrior. Your body is fabulous, and just did something incredible. So don’t be too hard on it. You need time to heal, physically and emotionally.
  • Be honest with your partner. Tell them what you are feeling.
  • If you are not ready to go all in yet, show your love in other ways. I know you are completely consumed with this amazing little bundle, but your husband helped make that happen, so make sure to let him know that you love and appreciate him.
  • It will be different at first, but it will get better. Don't spend time feeling guilty or worrying, just take it one day at a time.

 

Hey Daddy:

  • I know you are sleep deprived and going a little crazy because your wife is super hormonal. It will pass. Right now, she needs extra compassion and love. Trust me, she will make it up to you eventually.
  • Your wife loves you, please don’t feel rejected, it’s not about you. She’s just exhausted, and it’s hard to feel sexy when you spend the day with spit up all over your shirt.
  • Her boobs belong to the baby right now. You’ll get them back, but you just have to wait your turn. Sorry.
  • Don’t forget the first Valentine’s Day after baby (psst. She wants a bubble bath, chocolate, and a nice long nap!)


 

Most of all, never forget that you are in this together. When things get rocky, remember to turn towards each other and not away. That sweet little baby wouldn’t exist without both of you. Also, he won't be traumatized for life if you let him cry for an extra five minutes while you make up for lost time, enjoy!

 

Happy Valentine’s Day!

 

22 replies

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  • Susanne M.
    over 4 years ago New York, NY, United States

    Yes, happy Valentine day!

    Yes, happy Valentine day!

  • Lucy A.
    over 4 years ago

    Great piece! Who takes care of the babies during the day? Do you guys still go out like before?

    Great piece! Who takes care of the babies during the day? Do you guys still go out like before?

    • Laurel Nakai
      over 4 years ago New Jersey, United States

      Right now I am able to work from home so I can be with the kids during the day. We get a lot of support from my in-laws. They'll be watching the kids tonight while we go on a Valentine's Day Date! (we don't go out as much as we used to, but it makes the times we do a little more special!)

      Right now I am able to work from home so I can be with the kids during the day. We get a lot of support from my in-laws. They'll be watching the kids tonight while we go on a Valentine's Day Date! (we don't go out as much as we used to, but it makes the times we do a little more special!)

      • regina
        over 4 years ago

        Why do you think that you get along so well with your in-laws? Any suggestions for everyone else? :-)

        Why do you think that you get along so well with your in-laws? Any suggestions for everyone else? :-)

        • Laurel Nakai
          over 4 years ago New Jersey, United States

          My in laws are actually great, but I think you've just inspired my next post!

          My in laws are actually great, but I think you've just inspired my next post!

          • regina
            over 4 years ago

            Great to hear! I have no doubt that they are great, just wonder what you did to be close to them?

            Great to hear! I have no doubt that they are great, just wonder what you did to be close to them?

            • Laurel Nakai
              over 4 years ago New Jersey, United States

              We've lived with them off and on over the years, so that certainly accounts for some of it. But I think it's a relationship like any other, one that you have to work at and develop over time.

              We've lived with them off and on over the years, so that certainly accounts for some of it. But I think it's a relationship like any other, one that you have to work at and develop over time.

              • regina
                over 4 years ago

                How often do you see your in-laws? I and my in-laws never got along. This is why your feedback will be so useful! Thanks!

                How often do you see your in-laws? I and my in-laws never got along. This is why your feedback will be so useful! Thanks!

                • Laurel Nakai
                  over 4 years ago New Jersey, United States

                  We've always lived close by. I don't think there is one right answer for everyone, but I'm thinking to work on this topic for my next article, so stay tuned!

                  We've always lived close by. I don't think there is one right answer for everyone, but I'm thinking to work on this topic for my next article, so stay tuned!

                  • regina
                    over 4 years ago

                    Looking forward to! :-)

                    Looking forward to! :-)

              • Joyce
                over 4 years ago

                Your answer make completely sense to me! Are your in-laws in town or out of town? Do you think that like any other relationships, when we see one another everyday, into one another's face like people say, it may become too much. But if we live far from one another, it sometimes makes people love and appreciate one another more?

                Your answer make completely sense to me! Are your in-laws in town or out of town? Do you think that like any other relationships, when we see one another everyday, into one another's face like people say, it may become too much. But if we live far from one another, it sometimes makes people love and appreciate one another more?

  • sicily
    over 4 years ago

    A mother who seems to know what she is talking about! Quite lovely.

    A mother who seems to know what she is talking about! Quite lovely.

  • Joyce
    over 4 years ago

    Great story line, Laurel! Are you still working or a stay home mom? If you are still working, does your husband help you? In general, how is life after the babies? Busy and no more time for fun or fun like before? :-)

    Great story line, Laurel! Are you still working or a stay home mom? If you are still working, does your husband help you? In general, how is life after the babies? Busy and no more time for fun or fun like before? :-)

    • Laurel Nakai
      over 4 years ago New Jersey, United States

      Hi Joyce, I was a stay at home mom for the last four years. I had a job before hand and just decided not to go back after my maternity leave. I was lucky that my husband's job was enough to live on one income for awhile. In the past two years I slowly started picking up freelance work, writing and editing, which is something I can do from home. With my oldest in Kindergarten, and my youngest starting preschool next year so I'm considering looking into more consistent part time positions and eventually full-time, but, babysteps! It's nice to have some of my own income again and to do things for myself, but I also love being able to be home with my kids after school :)

      Hi Joyce, I was a stay at home mom for the last four years. I had a job before hand and just decided not to go back after my maternity leave. I was lucky that my husband's job was enough to live on one income for awhile. In the past two years I slowly started picking up freelance work, writing and editing, which is something I can do from home. With my oldest in Kindergarten, and my youngest starting preschool next year so I'm considering looking into more consistent part time positions and eventually full-time, but, babysteps! It's nice to have some of my own income again and to do things for myself, but I also love being able to be home with my kids after school :)

      • Joyce
        over 4 years ago

        Your writing is great! So, this may be one of the things you can do that will bring more professional joy and income in the future back to you!? :-)

        Your writing is great! So, this may be one of the things you can do that will bring more professional joy and income in the future back to you!? :-)

        • Laurel Nakai
          over 4 years ago New Jersey, United States

          Thank you! Yes, let's hope so!

          Thank you! Yes, let's hope so!

  • Lucy A.
    over 4 years ago

    Hi Laurel, nice story. Are you onto the third child now?

    Hi Laurel, nice story. Are you onto the third child now?

    • Laurel Nakai
      over 4 years ago New Jersey, United States

      That seems to be the question of the year! My second son is three and a half so everyone is asking if we'll have another. I go back and forth, but haven't ruled anything out yet so, we'll see!

      That seems to be the question of the year! My second son is three and a half so everyone is asking if we'll have another. I go back and forth, but haven't ruled anything out yet so, we'll see!

  • Jeanne
    over 4 years ago

    Sounds so real that I also felt some pain reading what happened after the first baby. lol.

    Sounds so real that I also felt some pain reading what happened after the first baby. lol.

    • Lucy A.
      over 4 years ago

      Yes, I also felt something. Good writer to make you "feel" their pain. LOL.

      Yes, I also felt something. Good writer to make you "feel" their pain. LOL.

  • Carol S.
    over 4 years ago

    Very funny! I love it!

    Very funny! I love it!


Writer, musician, and mom to two rambunctious boys.

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