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ThisIsHowYouTellHimYouWantACommitmentWithoutScaringHimAway

Elizabeth Stone
Elizabeth Stone Founder and CEO of AttractTheOne.com
5mo Story
This Is How You Tell Him You Want A Commitment Without Scaring Him Away

Has this ever happened to you?

You start dating someone new. Things are going great. You’ve met some of their friends and vice versa. You begin to get excited about the way that things are going and start to fantasize about the future with them.

Suddenly, it occurs to you that no one has mentioned exclusivity. Maybe you think it’s too soon to have “the talk” so you start asking little probing questions like, how do you feel about me?” and where do you see this going?” 

This puts them on the spot and maybe you get answers like “we’re having so much fun, why analyze it?” or “I like you” but no deeper information about where the relationship is going.

Then, panic sets in. Even though you’re still having fun with them, you start to freak out a little bit about whether or not they want a relationship with you. Strategy meetings with friends begin and analysis ensues.

Then, because of the uncertainty, you begin perceiving that they are pulling away from you when to the naked eye, nothing has changed. 

Each time they return a text message later than you’re used to, it feels like rejection. Each time they don’t respond exactly the way you expect, you feel like it’s going to be over soon or feel like you have to have “The Talk” to suss out their real intentions toward you.

Eventually you decide to gather up your courage and sit them down to discuss things. In an attempt to avoid sounding clingy or needy, you might have prepared exactly what to say, but in spite of your careful planning, all of your messy feelings come spilling out... anyway.

You tell them all about how much you like them and your fears and.. and… and…

Unfortunately this backfires. They aren’t reassuring like you hoped they would be. They don’t take it well and maybe stonewall a little bit before shutting down the topic. Or maybe they affirm that they like you but it feels lukewarm. No big admissions of love come out. You can sense that things are now, REALLY not quite right.

Then, in the coming days and weeks, they start to pull away. They start to decide it’s time for “a talk” of their own, but it isn’t about commitment or exclusivity. Or worse, they stop returning your calls. You used to see them all the time, but now, suddenly they seem to have other plans. Hangouts drop to once or twice a week max– and even then, it’s awkward.

Then, your fear that they were not that into you becomes self-fulfilling prophecy.

So, how do you make it known that you want a relationship without seemingly ruining everything by sitting them down and having “the talk” that actually serves to scare them off?

“The Talk” Remixed

A reframe of your mindset is in order.

Rather than being afraid that you are being rejected by them, which gives your power away and leads to cringe-worthy groveling style conversations, it’s better to come to all relationships from a greater place of power.

Here’s an example:

Which internal thought process sounds like it comes from a place of high self worth?

“I really, really want them to like me, so I don’t want to do anything to drive them away or scare them off, so rather than state my desire to have a committed relationship I will bottle everything up until it explodes. Then I will mourn their departure.”

Vs.

“While I really like them, I want to make sure that they are right for me too, so I will mention that I want to invest in relationships that might yield the kind of life I’m interested in living. If they aren’t interested in that, then I will have to wish them well and go about finding someone who has the same goals as I do.”

People don’t respond well to whiny, weak conversations where they feel like they’re being pandered to. 

That’s why the “well, where do YOU see this going” statement fails so miserably. You just gave them all of your power. With that statement, it shows who is in charge, and it sure isn’t you. 

They are now free to take a “wait-and-see” approach with the relationship, since you have showed your hand and they are in control.

If your intention is to not casually date forever, let the other person know that early on.

It sets the stage for the whole relationship. It’s not that you should march into the first date and announce that you want marriage and 3 kids, just that holding a mindset of “if this doesn’t work for me, I’m willing to find someone else” is a valuable asset.

The best statements you can make when you want to make it re about your own standards.

Casually saying “I’m interested in a relationship that progresses toward a commitment at some point.” Is a statement of what you want your life to look like.

You aren’t saying “YOU MUST GIVE ME A COMMITMENT” or giving them an ultimatum. You are simply discussing your standards. Discussing your standards is great. Whining about what is happening or what they are/aren’t giving you is a recipe for causing someone to pull away.

If you set it up so that everyone is on the same page, later on they can’t feel bait-and-switched.

After all, you were clear about what you are interested in. Then the ball is in their court to either commit or not, but you have retained the right to leave if you aren’t getting your needs met.

If you keep ending up in dead-end relationships with men who eventually dump, ghost or take you for granted, get a free copy of my book, Why Men Lose Interest and daily email series now. 

I'll help you stop this destructive cycle and get the love you really deserve.

Originally published at DigitalRomanceInc.com. Republished with permission from the author.

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12 comments

  • Sarah Fein
    5mo ago

    I love this, but why should women be so afraid of asking for a commitment in the first place? When did society become so backwards to that we are trained to think committing to one person is a bad thing? Showing that you care or want to be exclusive is now seen as needy, which is pretty awful in my opinion. What's happened to dating @Elizabeth Stone ? It's as if monogamy is now seen as lame.

    I love this, but why should women be so afraid of asking for a commitment in the first place? When did society become so backwards to that we are trained to think committing to one person is a bad thing? Showing that you care or want to be exclusive is now seen as needy, which is pretty awful in my opinion. What's happened to dating @Elizabeth Stone ? It's as if monogamy is now seen as lame.

    • Elizabeth Stone
      Elizabeth Stone Founder and CEO of AttractTheOne.com
      5mo ago

      Commitment biologically benefits women and men are the gatekeepers of relationships. 


      Men are made to spread their seed to as many women as they can. That's why they have less physiological responsibility when it comes to sex. Since a woman's investment in procreation is so much higher (9 months plus 18 years minimum), we're the ones who lose when we don't have a continuous relationship with a male to support offspring.

      When women give men sex without commitment, the male doesn't have any incentive to give her a relationship. It's not that we think commitment is a bad thing per se, it's that we've stopped requiring men to have relationships before they get sex.

      Commitment biologically benefits women and men are the gatekeepers of relationships. 


      Men are made to spread their seed to as many women as they can. That's why they have less physiological responsibility when it comes to sex. Since a woman's investment in procreation is so much higher (9 months plus 18 years minimum), we're the ones who lose when we don't have a continuous relationship with a male to support offspring.

      When women give men sex without commitment, the male doesn't have any incentive to give her a relationship. It's not that we think commitment is a bad thing per se, it's that we've stopped requiring men to have relationships before they get sex.

      • Sarah Fein
        5mo ago

        Which is so sad. My niece told me she has been trying to take things slower in dating and every time she turns down the invite to go to their apartment and have sex with them (on the second or third date!), they will drop her.

        Which is so sad. My niece told me she has been trying to take things slower in dating and every time she turns down the invite to go to their apartment and have sex with them (on the second or third date!), they will drop her.

        • Sarah Fein
          5mo ago

          It's almost like damned if you do, damned if you don't where if you have sex with them early on, they could still drop you, and if you uphold your values and make them wait, they still could drop you. 

          It's almost like damned if you do, damned if you don't where if you have sex with them early on, they could still drop you, and if you uphold your values and make them wait, they still could drop you. 

          • Elizabeth Stone
            Elizabeth Stone Founder and CEO of AttractTheOne.com
            5mo ago

            Yes, it makes me sad too. And, you're 100% correct. Once women bought into the idea that having sex with whomever we wanted was "free" and "liberating," we actually made it harder to have relationships since we're the gatekeepers of sex. It's a mess-- since like you said, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

            Yes, it makes me sad too. And, you're 100% correct. Once women bought into the idea that having sex with whomever we wanted was "free" and "liberating," we actually made it harder to have relationships since we're the gatekeepers of sex. It's a mess-- since like you said, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

            • Sarah Fein
              5mo ago

              This a discussion I appreciate having, so thank you! What do you advise women do who don't meet their husband while in college? 

              This a discussion I appreciate having, so thank you! What do you advise women do who don't meet their husband while in college? 

              • Sarah Fein
                5mo ago

                I suppose just uphold your values until you meet someone who is willing to respect you?

                I suppose just uphold your values until you meet someone who is willing to respect you?

                • Elizabeth Stone
                  Elizabeth Stone Founder and CEO of AttractTheOne.com
                  5mo ago

                  I encourage women to get to know a man, spend time together and have fun before ever negotiating a continuous relationship or having sex with him. 


                  If he drops you then it's his loss, but most people want to be around people they have fun with-- and this is an excellent way to decide if you want more of him first. The more of a foundation like this you build first, the longer and more enduring the pairing.

                  We need less hurry to "nail men down" and more fun outside the bedroom.

                  I encourage women to get to know a man, spend time together and have fun before ever negotiating a continuous relationship or having sex with him. 


                  If he drops you then it's his loss, but most people want to be around people they have fun with-- and this is an excellent way to decide if you want more of him first. The more of a foundation like this you build first, the longer and more enduring the pairing.

                  We need less hurry to "nail men down" and more fun outside the bedroom.

                  • Sarah Fein
                    5mo ago

                    Agreed! Thank you again.

                    Agreed! Thank you again.

                  • Jeanne
                    5mo ago

                    Would you agree with what Carol said? I have heard it from my uncle first hand!

                    Would you agree with what Carol said? I have heard it from my uncle first hand!

            • Carol S.
              5mo ago

              Believe or not, whenever a guy truly loves you, he will be the first bit to want to have sex with you to avoid that you get pregnant!

              Believe or not, whenever a guy truly loves you, he will be the first bit to want to have sex with you to avoid that you get pregnant!

              • Elizabeth Stone
                Elizabeth Stone Founder and CEO of AttractTheOne.com
                5mo ago

                Could you clarify what you mean here @Carol S.? I'm confused. Are you saying that a man will or won't want to have sex with you when he truly loves you?

                Could you clarify what you mean here @Carol S.? I'm confused. Are you saying that a man will or won't want to have sex with you when he truly loves you?


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Elizabeth Stone
Founder and CEO of AttractTheOne.com

Author and tireless champion of love.

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