The problem with memories is that you cannot choose where and what to go back to.
You can start with your good times together. Those times when all you wanted is to grow old with each other- that it will be a real great joy to just sit by the window of his apartment- years and years from now. Each on your own rocking chair, just talking about the past. Like, the times when you love everything about him- only about him! The first time he said, "I LOVE YOU!" His deep-set and sleepy-hooded eyes, his innocent smile that tilted the earth to its axis. The times he worries how you have reached home from your scheduled work in the office. The way he answers your call. The way you kiss each other. The way you listen to each other. The way he cheers you up. The way you look at each other. The way he spoils you. The way he pampers you. The way he grins when he's up to something. The way he pretends not to notice you when you do something dumb. The way you love each other every day. Everything!
But you have to sum up with the pains that parting have caused.
Pain of loss. The pain when you think you have lost everything and someone that you have loved. The pain of just thinking he's gone and would never come back again. And the pain of knowing you will never touch his hands one more time. The rotten feeling when you go to bed and you knew- no more silly things whispered before you close your eyes to sleep. And no more funny jokes told in the morning.
Pain of longing. And each time you long for him, you feel that there's a new swell of loneliness that strikes your heart and you cannot do anything but to pinch the bridge of your nose while an invisible wince seemed to tighten around your chest. You have tried to hide the despair to everybody but it lives like parasites, sucking away your ability to enjoy life as it was before.
Pain of wanting to make everything right for both of you. Every night at twelve, you would battle the desire to pick up the phone letting him know how the hell he had been missed. You tried to dial his mobile number and when you have reached the last digit of number, you stopped then dialed again- you hang up on the first ring, rolled over your bed and cried.
And, hell! The most painful part is, you know deep in your heart that you have no other choice but to remember him even if it causes you pain. This feeling seared through your heart- of knowing you wouldn't see him again. With a broken heart, of your own, you weep. You shed tears so loudly. You cried the tears of a lovelorn, the all-consuming sporadic weeping that shatters your entire body for hour or end. So sorry for yourself that you didn't know how you'd survive the lonely days without his presence.
But one day, God will eventually let you go through this and you'll feel better. That one day, you will remember him and say, "Thanks God, there are guys like him otherwise this world is such a boring place to live in!" You will then realize that this journey of your life is something worth remembering. Blissful moments worth cherishing filled your yesterday. That his coming to your life would then made you feel blessed and glad. Instantly and briefly your life, but his memory shall forever warm your cold nights and comfort your loneliness.
Recently published at Thought Catalog and at The Minds Journal
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A woman who always has an unread book inside her bag. She loves looking over the shelves in the bookstore. The one who quietly cries out when she has found the book she really wants. And she can often be found inside the bathroom writing and reading. To read more from her, follow her on her [...]