Yes, I know my title On Being a Groundhog is a little ridiculous. I am well-aware that I am not a groundhog, or so I think!
As most of you with a calendar probably know, tomorrow is Groundhog Day! Yes, that useless holiday where if the creature sees its shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter. Not like we've had much of a winter, or that Global Warming is a super scary phenomenon that threatens our existence (okay, I'll stop).
Moving past my rant, I've decided to write a list of ten thoughts a groundhog has on their holiday. Here they are for your reading and viewing pleasure.
1.) "Wait, it's already spring, so why are we even doing this?"
2.) "Couldn't they celebrate this holiday with a squirrel?"
3.) "How much trouble could I really get into if I bit the man holding me?"
4.) "I really hope BuzzFeed doesn't write one of those annoyingly cutesy and exploitative articles about me."
5.) "Why do I have to be 'Punxsutawney Phil?' Phil is a much simpler and catchier name amongst the ladies (or boys!)."
6.) "I wonder how I can score one of those funky top hats?"
7.) "Can I go back to sleep now?"
8.) "Okay, well how about now?"
9.) "I'm getting really pissed off and hangry."
10.) "FINALLY! Thank you."
Enjoy your Groundhog's Day! <3 <3 <3
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Laura Meltzer is a New York City-based screenwriter and comedian. She has a background in journalism and television, working for places such as Time, Inc. for People Magazine, Sports Illustrated, Fortune, Backstage and Broadwayworld.com. Laura has also worked as an associate producer Launch TV's [...]