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"ICheatedOnYou"Becausethat'sHowMuchILoveYou

R.Joy
3mo Story
"I Cheated On You" Because that's How Much I Love You

Remember how I used to say when we were just starting, that I do not want to initiate a breakup. I told you so many times that I am not the type of person who walks away, that I will always hold on to my loved one until I can, until my final breath, but if I see myself not anymore valuable to the person, I'd rather make him leave me first.


Perhaps you cannot remember. Remember the time I told you, "If ever this relationship wouldn't work out, can you make it a point to say that it's because I was the worst girlfriend there could ever be in this world?" I know I did say that. How about the time that I told you, "If ever people would ask why we broke up, please tell them that I cheated on you"?


And yes, this is not the first time I've done this. I've done this before in my previous relationships. Why? Because I have always told myself that when you love someone, you're gonna save the reputation of that person despite how much he has hurt you. But even in the absence of an affection from my end to a person, you know I'm that type who would do everything to make that person appear good, even if it is at the expense of destroying mine.


Were the boys I mentioned real? Yes they are. Did I really cheat on you? I want to believe I did. This is a lie that I always want to look true. 


You know how much I condemn cheating, and how I am so vocal to say something against this. How many lives were ruined by cheating? As they say, a cheater is always a cheater. And if there would be any valid reason to cut a relationship, it's because you have already lose trust on the person, because you are bound to think he or she will commit the same mistake again.


I am sorry that "I cheated on you." Right in those moments, I felt it was the best thing to say, to shoo you away. I wanted to be that girl who appear to have commitment issues, thus, the breakup. I wanted to be the one who failed while you remained as a great man. 


I am sorry but that's how I take care of someone I love, by destroying myself. I have always lived with the optimistic idea that I can always rebuild my own reputation.


"I cheated on you" was not my first resort, in fact, it was my last. Remember the moments I told you how much I am already hurting, I couldn't take it anymore, and I told you, "Please let me go."


Those times I have pleaded, "If you still care for me, just end this relationship."


No, I am not saying it was all your fault I was in pain. There are times I just feel so undeserving of you.


Can you remember the time you introduced me to your parents and I cried to you, and told you, "I feel I cannot be good enough for you."

I have always felt my inadequacies eating me up, sometimes by the wrong things I've seen in the relationship that really offended me, and sometimes by the good things which I feel I am so unworthy of having --- which includes you.


I'm sorry that "I cheated on you" when I was just so desperate to leave. I hate saying goodbye to the one I love, I hate how those words would come from my own lips.


I'm sorry that "I cheated on you" because that's how much I love you. I don't want to lose you, never in my life, despite there are circumstances telling me to do so which push me to create scenarios for you to hate me. 


But if ever things have to come to an end, please remember, I am the girl who have cheated on you. I am not the marrying type. I am not the one whom you would want to have kids with. I guess that could also be the greatest comfort you can tell yourself if ever it does hurt you to lose me.



6 replies

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  • Ellen velvet
    3mo ago

    There is nothing worse than being in a dead-end relationship and not being to recognize it and have the courage to get out as soon as possible. It is bad e especially for women rather than for the men. The longer a woman stays in a not-the-right-type relationship, the more it will hurt her and her future, whether she is the marrying type or not. Actually, what I found the most disappointing throughout the years is the number of so-called strong women who make bad choices in the men they date. Sad.

    There is nothing worse than being in a dead-end relationship and not being to recognize it and have the courage to get out as soon as possible. It is bad e especially for women rather than for the men. The longer a woman stays in a not-the-right-type relationship, the more it will hurt her and her future, whether she is the marrying type or not. Actually, what I found the most disappointing throughout the years is the number of so-called strong women who make bad choices in the men they date. Sad.

    • Janice Boyd
      3mo ago

      My daughter is a strong woman but always picks the wrong guy to date. What is worse is that she stays in for too long. 

      My daughter is a strong woman but always picks the wrong guy to date. What is worse is that she stays in for too long. 

      • jackie1993
        3mo ago

        Too many women still dream of the wrong charming prince, especially the ones who like to be complimented or praised and who have bad judgment about people - like my niece.   

        Too many women still dream of the wrong charming prince, especially the ones who like to be complimented or praised and who have bad judgment about people - like my niece.   

      • jackie1993
        [deleted]
        3mo ago

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      • jackie1993
        [deleted]
        3mo ago

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      • Amy Taylor
        3mo ago New York City, NY, United States

        One of my friends has a daughter who likes to eat noodles and pasta and never exercised enough (or even not at all) despite her husband's loving and repeated advice throughout the years. For a still young in her early mid-thirty and brilliant woman, she ended up with a body less than perfect, especially from the behind, but she got mad everytime she said they told her even with the kindest words. This said, because she likes to be praised by men with complimentary words, she ended up getting married with an older guy (who is much lower level than she is), who has now also just left her for another more attractive girl after two years of marriage. It breaks my friend's and her husband's heart but they do not know what else to do. They are heart broken. Some women, regardless how many books they read or write about female empowerment, remain weak creatures full of illusion, and who often indulge themselves in self pity and sadness rather than facing up to the reality and taking the decision to fast turn their life around. For my friend's daughter, the worst thing was that she used to be a loving girl but rather than listening to her parent's advice when she met with this new and older guy, she suddenly turned around and insulted them, breaking the love and bond that had united their family for years. Personally, I still can not believed that an ordinary man's complimentary words could have gotten my friend's daughter to lose her head in turning her back on her parents, who love her so much, the way she has done. Before her (failed) marriage, my friend even told me that they had asked repeatedly to know more about the man and would bless and approve if he turns out to be the right party for their daughter but she refused to talk and share more info about him with them. They are beyond heart broken.

        One of my friends has a daughter who likes to eat noodles and pasta and never exercised enough (or even not at all) despite her husband's loving and repeated advice throughout the years. For a still young in her early mid-thirty and brilliant woman, she ended up with a body less than perfect, especially from the behind, but she got mad everytime she said they told her even with the kindest words. This said, because she likes to be praised by men with complimentary words, she ended up getting married with an older guy (who is much lower level than she is), who has now also just left her for another more attractive girl after two years of marriage. It breaks my friend's and her husband's heart but they do not know what else to do. They are heart broken. Some women, regardless how many books they read or write about female empowerment, remain weak creatures full of illusion, and who often indulge themselves in self pity and sadness rather than facing up to the reality and taking the decision to fast turn their life around. For my friend's daughter, the worst thing was that she used to be a loving girl but rather than listening to her parent's advice when she met with this new and older guy, she suddenly turned around and insulted them, breaking the love and bond that had united their family for years. Personally, I still can not believed that an ordinary man's complimentary words could have gotten my friend's daughter to lose her head in turning her back on her parents, who love her so much, the way she has done. Before her (failed) marriage, my friend even told me that they had asked repeatedly to know more about the man and would bless and approve if he turns out to be the right party for their daughter but she refused to talk and share more info about him with them. They are beyond heart broken.

      • Amy Taylor
        [deleted]
        3mo ago New York City, NY, United States

        [deleted]

        [deleted]

      • Amy Taylor
        [deleted]
        3mo ago New York City, NY, United States

        [deleted]

        [deleted]

      • Amy Taylor
        [deleted]
        3mo ago New York City, NY, United States

        [deleted]

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  • Tiffany Pham
    Tiffany Pham Founder & CEO, Mogul
    3mo ago New York, NY, USA

    So heartbreaking.

    So heartbreaking.

    • Tiffany Pham
      Tiffany Pham Founder & CEO, Mogul
      3mo ago New York, NY, USA

      Thank you for sharing this, R.Joy.

      Thank you for sharing this, R.Joy.


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