Remember how I used to say when we were just starting, that I do not want to initiate a breakup. I told you so many times that I am not the type of person who walks away, that I will always hold on to my loved one until I can, until my final breath, but if I see myself not anymore valuable to the person, I'd rather make him leave me first.
Perhaps you cannot remember. Remember the time I told you, "If ever this relationship wouldn't work out, can you make it a point to say that it's because I was the worst girlfriend there could ever be in this world?" I know I did say that. How about the time that I told you, "If ever people would ask why we broke up, please tell them that I cheated on you"?
And yes, this is not the first time I've done this. I've done this before in my previous relationships. Why? Because I have always told myself that when you love someone, you're gonna save the reputation of that person despite how much he has hurt you. But even in the absence of an affection from my end to a person, you know I'm that type who would do everything to make that person appear good, even if it is at the expense of destroying mine.
Were the boys I mentioned real? Yes they are. Did I really cheat on you? I want to believe I did. This is a lie that I always want to look true.
You know how much I condemn cheating, and how I am so vocal to say something against this. How many lives were ruined by cheating? As they say, a cheater is always a cheater. And if there would be any valid reason to cut a relationship, it's because you have already lose trust on the person, because you are bound to think he or she will commit the same mistake again.
I am sorry that "I cheated on you." Right in those moments, I felt it was the best thing to say, to shoo you away. I wanted to be that girl who appear to have commitment issues, thus, the breakup. I wanted to be the one who failed while you remained as a great man.
I am sorry but that's how I take care of someone I love, by destroying myself. I have always lived with the optimistic idea that I can always rebuild my own reputation.
"I cheated on you" was not my first resort, in fact, it was my last. Remember the moments I told you how much I am already hurting, I couldn't take it anymore, and I told you, "Please let me go."
Those times I have pleaded, "If you still care for me, just end this relationship."
No, I am not saying it was all your fault I was in pain. There are times I just feel so undeserving of you.
Can you remember the time you introduced me to your parents and I cried to you, and told you, "I feel I cannot be good enough for you."
I have always felt my inadequacies eating me up, sometimes by the wrong things I've seen in the relationship that really offended me, and sometimes by the good things which I feel I am so unworthy of having --- which includes you.
I'm sorry that "I cheated on you" when I was just so desperate to leave. I hate saying goodbye to the one I love, I hate how those words would come from my own lips.
I'm sorry that "I cheated on you" because that's how much I love you. I don't want to lose you, never in my life, despite there are circumstances telling me to do so which push me to create scenarios for you to hate me.
But if ever things have to come to an end, please remember, I am the girl who have cheated on you. I am not the marrying type. I am not the one whom you would want to have kids with. I guess that could also be the greatest comfort you can tell yourself if ever it does hurt you to lose me.