Finding love can be a very difficult situation due to men and women not understanding what they are doing wrong. It's never too late to learn new things about yourself or how to improve your relationships.
Here are 15 things to think about next time you are out on a date or thinking about getting back out into the single's market again:
1. The fear of rejection
This form of self sabotage is the biggest mistake both men and women make when they are dating and looking for a partnership! There are many stories of people ending a budding relationship due to their own insecurities and fears that it will not work out.
Unfortunately these people reject themselves first so they aren’t the one getting dumped. The sad part is it may have worked out wonderfully but the fear of actually having a “real” partnership is what scared them off.
You've simply kept them from rejecting you, by rejecting yourself. This is a pattern that needs to be addressed if you want to eventually find a committed relationship.
2. You get someone’s phone number and then DON’T call!
The error here is you wanted to call but factors such as being busy and/or being afraid interfered. Then suddenly you realize it's been so long that if you call now, they may not remember who you are or be upset that you took your time to contact them. Never wait over a week to call the first time.
3. Being too cocky!
Confidence is one thing but being cocky is another. First impressions are very important and are the stepping stones to future dates. Acting too self assured comes across as arrogance and is very unattractive for the most part. A date should consist of a reciprocated discussion where no one dominates the entire conversation all evening. Ask them questions to keep things flowing.
4. Putting people on a pedestal
No one is better than anyone else. If you start out a relationship by putting someone in very high regard, it usually isn’t a "balanced" experience. It ends up being a boring setting and very predictable for the person who is "put on the pedestal" because they can do no wrong! Everyone wants a little mystery or challenge to keep things interesting.
5. Showing desperation
- Do not talk about how long it has been since you dated or had sex!
- Don’t ask a million questions about what they do when they are not with you.
- Texting them continually and being overly eager and available will become a big turn off early on.
- Being too accommodating to their every need!
Clingy people are constantly looking for affirmation within the relationship. They need reassurance all the time which is an insecurity that usually ends up destroying any chance of a committed future with that person.
Needing a relationship and wanting a relationship are the key words here. Needy partners usually end up alone or in repetitive short term situations. (It’s important to have your own life but also make space for someone to come in and share it with you.)
6. Not listening to your GUT when you meet someone!
This is probably the second most common mistake both sexes make when they are dating someone new.
Your gut knows a lot more than your heart and your loins do!
Safety should always come first above any lustful needs and your Spidey-Senses will never let you down. You just have to listen to them and not ignore their nagging persistence.
7. Get to know each other first without sexual distractions.
Your first 3 dates should consist of fun & lighthearted verbal communication; not jumping into bed with them. You don't even know if you like them yet!
Going to the Movies or watching TV is not a good choice on the first few dates. The mistake here is that you may end a potentially great relationship because you didn’t take the time to talk & really get to know each other. Asking interesting questions & really listening to each other is what dating is all about.
Introducing sex too early often ends up being a big mistake. There was no romance or excitement leading up to the first time because it happened too fast! This can lead to disappointment because it is purely a sexual release without those magical emotional feelings that make intimacy powerful.
It can work out in some cases but generally it is better to wait a little while before you jump into their bed. You really don’t know if they are all that safe early on or if they have some characteristics that may not be healthy. (Remember the movie Fatal Attraction!)
8. Spending too much time together too soon! (Keep the mystery alive by taking time between each date to miss them.)
Jumping into anything too fast is not a good idea. People need time to connect and see if there are commonalities and reciprocated interests for a long term partnership. Anything too fast usually ends just as fast. You've heard of ghosting, well this is worse and is a new term called "Mosting!"
Appreciate the time you spend together but take baby steps, not a full blown leap!
9. Try not to plan things too far in advance before you have both agreed that you are exclusive with each other.
Just because you think you have found “the girl/guy of your dreams” doesn’t mean you should be presumptuous and think that you are both on the same page!
Be aware of those people who are inviting you to a family reunion at the summer cottage after two dates, planning a vacation with you right away or discussing moving in together before you have even found out where they live!
10. Meeting all their friends & family on the 1st few dates!
This can be a pattern with some people. They do this early on as they looking for approval from their friends and family to see if you are a good fit in their group.
It can feel very flattering in the beginning that they want to share you with all the important people in their life, but if it happens too soon it is a big red flag. You need to get to know them first before anyone else enters the picture.
They may want it too quickly because all their friends are in a committed relationship and they feel lonely or left out. None the less, it can feel a bit like a “trophy showing” too early.
11. Game playing!
This strategy is used for a couple of reasons. The first is to protect one's ego. When it comes to dating; everyone fears rejection on some level. Playing it cool and not getting too involved may make you feel safe, but you risk coming across as aloof or removed and may turn the other person off.
Balancing your interest in them and maintaining your composure and self respect is the best way to handle a new relationship.
Another reason people play games is to get something they want that they wouldn't likely get if they played it straight up. Unfortunately this usually backfires and most game players are back out in the singles market repeatedly!
You will get further and end up happier if you allow yourself to be genuine. It's OK to put your best foot forward cautiously but have the courage to be upfront and show who you really are.
12. Fantasizing about the future!
When you catch yourself trying on his last name before the third date or picturing her as the mother of your children, it's time to remind yourself to slow down!
In the first 3-6 months of a relationship you are likely running on oxytocin, which is also a chemical found in our beloved chocolate. It creates a euphoria that comes with “falling in love.” This can interfere with your ability to think clearly.
13. Obsessing over relationship details.
This one is common with those who worry about every little thing that is happening in the relationship.
They worry about what the other person said and worry about what they meant by it, they worry about how they reacted, worry about the relationship not working out. They worry about what if it does work out and on and on!
Relax and enjoy it as it unfolds without looking for things to obsess over. This is another form of sabotage!
14. Ignoring these obvious red flags.
- They cancel last minute when you’re supposed to meet them.
- They constantly reschedule plans with you. Keep you hold.
- Don't call for 2-3 weeks.
- Talks constantly about their ex!
- Tell you that they are not ready for a relationship.
- They are not interested in having children but you want them.
- They are not looking for a commitment.
- Text you way more than they see you!
Many people overlook these huge warning signals because they are so eager to be in a relationship!!
Paying attention to these situations and removing yourself early from this type of behavior will bring you closer to finding someone who is there for the right reasons.
15. Interrogating your date: (The lab coat and clip board routine.)
“How many children do you want?" "Why are you single & never been married?” "How many people have you had sex with?" "Are you into three ways?" "What's your 5 year plan?"
These are not great opening sentences on a date!
You want to show interest by asking about their likes or dislikes but not press someone for information as if you were on a job interview. Make sure the conversation is always reciprocated and not clinical!
16. *One Last Bonus Number* Not being honest about your needs and sacrificing too much to be in the relationship!
No one will respect you if you allow yourself to be a doormat! Valuing yourself enough to put your needs on the table (as well as your partner's) is the key to establishing balance and harmony.
A healthy relationship is one between two equals; both giving and receiving in a reciprocal fashion.
Susan McCord @ The Dear Sybersue AdviceTalk Show
Susan McCord known as "Dear Sybersue" around the Web, helps millennials and gen-exers find love and inspiration. As a mature woman, she has "been there done that" and has so many T-shirts she can open a store! Susan believes that we are all special and deserving of happiness. People get lost along [...]