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I Deserve A Man Who Loves Me For The Little Things, And It Won't Be You - Mogul

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IDeserveAManWhoLovesMeForTheLittleThings,AndItWon'tBeYou

BEA C. PILOTIN
BEA C. PILOTIN Writer at Thought Catalog, Blogger at Wordpress.com, Featured Author at The Minds Journal & Community Member at Mogul
3mo Doha, Qatar Story
I Deserve A Man Who Loves Me For The Little Things, And It Won't Be You

”Wherever life takes you, I wish you nothing but happiness and love. As for me, a day will eventually come that I’d be able to learn the difference between solitude and loneliness. And I will let myself feel beloved on Earth once again.” - Bea C. Pilotin

I did my best but you didn’t love me enough to be poor and unaccepted. I took all the risks of loving you and that’s okay. I have loved you more than everything else in this world that I forgot to leave a little piece of it for myself. I was that incredible super woman who didn’t do anything but love you with all my heart. A love that sees no flaws, find no faults and knows no bounds.

But you see, each time I said I love you, I never begged you to say you love me, too. I never chased you the day when you started walking away. I never forced you to stay. I let you go…to find the happiness you deserve, the happiness you didn’t find in me. I was not ready to watch you go. And that was the time I have realized that love is unfair. It’s like a broken clock’s pendulum. It swings back and forth between solitude and loneliness. It swings back and forth between moments of happiness and pain. And that shit ton of excruciating pain of loneliness and the depth of abandonment was so intense.

I stayed open even if I knew how the hell it hurts. I have tried to find explanations but obviously you were just never there to listen. I never did try to deny the odd pain I felt because I didn’t want to come back to me later and haunt me for the rest of my lifetime. I was a weeping willow who tried to end a blubbering mess in each moment. I felt so arid in the pit of my soul. Yes, I have tried my best to put you out to my system.

But,

You were everywhere. I always see you in all the old familiar places. I was seeing you in every lovely summer’s day. I was finding you in the morning sun and when the night comes, I was looking at the opalescent moon and started seeing you there. Even if I was trying to avoid every place we’ve been to, I can’t run away. I can’t hide. Each song reminded me of your beautiful sleepy — hooded eyes — your beautiful innocent face.

Losing you has been the loss of everything I believed in and hoped for. Each and every corner of this insular world just kept reminding me of you. You were my whole existence but I was only a part of yours. 

I know. I know, a part of me died the moment you left me on that winter afternoon, on the last day of December. The brilliant sun had disappeared, its  last flickering rays painting the rim of the sky with liquid crimson that bleeds into saffron and purple amethyst and the palest of all lilacs before plopping down behind the dull horizon. That afternoon was the worst time of my life.

Since then, I no longer look at the world in the same way I did when I had you. My life has totally changed. The pain inside me was eternally present all the time. Such loneliness. Such emptiness. Such hollowness. I have tried to rewrite my story but obviously I failed to come up with a good one. Happiness was so difficult to write about than loneliness.

Yes,

Those were the heavy thoughts for me. But, thank you for the little piece of heaven and that ton of hell you had given me. Thank you for the sight of undulating swing of every day’s crushing sorrow. Because of that, I have learned the ways of love. I might always bury my face into the plump pillow each night to sleep. I might hide myself to the world — no one could see me.  I might have those scary nightmares in the middle of the night — no one will wake me up then hug me so tight.

Things could fall to the cracks but I could swear, I’ll take care of myself. For the last time, I am giving myself the permission to shed few more burning tears- to bless my heart and soul with the benediction of healing. I know that you were not always fair but I will let you walk away and move forward into the life full of happiness and love. I know, it torments me waking up each morning with the thought that I will never feel you again beside me. It’s true when they said that the holiest of all holidays are not the ones on our calendars but the one we observe in silence and in private tears.And on this Holiday, I smell the air so crisp for the first time and experience a total eclipse of the heart and the loss of everything.

Hence,

I can’t go on like this. I will start living a life — to see the beauty in most of the people who will cross path with me. I don’t want to be just this way — a lonely soul at the end of each new day. I deserve a man who cares about me every time — not an option nor a second best. I want a man who is willing to stay and accept me wonderfully and with his whole heart. I want a man who worries when he didn’t hear anything from me all day; who acknowledges a simple message in his inbox and the one who comes through a tornado for me, if he has to.

A man who is proud of me even if I didn’t put my make-up on. I deserve a man who loves those little things about me and the one who is proud to hold my hand and stand by me in public. One day, I will have the courage to try loving a man one more time which right now I doubt if I could. But maybe, just maybe one day soon, things will look different and if ever I’d be able to stick my heart out there again, I want it for the right one- and this time it won’t be you.

I promise you…

I will live my life to the fullest and I will look forward to my future with hope and anticipation. I will never let myself an option again. I will remember you but not the feeling anymore. I will put you away in my heart. Someday, I will forget what it was like kissing you and holding you. One day, I will hear our favorite song being played on the air and even if I know that it will still bring a certain glow…those familiar lines will never be quite the same again. It will just remind me of the man I used to know.  Bea C. Pilotin

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3 comments

  • Default
    Guest
    3mo ago

    Urgent Love Spell To Bet Back Your Ex Email Dr. Trust [email protected] Great article! I hope this helps a lot of women out there. Fix your marriage and relationship after a breakup or divorce, 100% guarantee Love spell..! A very big problem occurred in my Marriage seven months ago,between me and my husband .so terrible that he took the case to court for a divorce. he said that he never wanted to stay with me again,and that he didn't love me anymore.So he packed out of the house and made me and my children passed through severe pain. I tried all my possible means to get him back,after much begging,but all to no avail.and he confirmed it that he has made his decision,and he never wanted to see me again. So on one evening,as i was coming back from work,i met an old friend of mine who asked of my husband .So i explained every thing to him,so he told me that the only way i can get my husband back,is to visit a spell caster,because it has really worked for him too.So i never believed in spell,but i had no other choice,than to follow his advice. Then he gave me the email address of the spell caster whom he visited. I sent a mail to the address he gave to me,and the spell caster assured me that i will get my husband back the next day. What an amazing statement!! I never believed,so he spoke with me, and told me everything that i need to do. Then the next morning, So surprisingly, my husband who didn't call me for the past 7 months, gave me a call to inform me that he is coming back. So Amazing!! So that was how he came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and he apologized for his mistake,and for the pain he caused me and my children. Then from that day,our relationship was now stronger than how it were before,by the help of a spell caster. So, i will advice you out there if you have any problem contact Dr Trust, i give you 100% guarantee that he will help you.. Email him at: [email protected] or [email protected] Call +2348156885231 Web:https://ultimatespellcast9.wixsite.com/dr-trust Thanks for reading.

    Urgent Love Spell To Bet Back Your Ex Email Dr. Trust [email protected] Great article! I hope this helps a lot of women out there. Fix your marriage and relationship after a breakup or divorce, 100% guarantee Love spell..! A very big problem occurred in my Marriage seven months ago,between me and my husband .so terrible that he took the case to court for a divorce. he said that he never wanted to stay with me again,and that he didn't love me anymore.So he packed out of the house and made me and my children passed through severe pain. I tried all my possible means to get him back,after much begging,but all to no avail.and he confirmed it that he has made his decision,and he never wanted to see me again. So on one evening,as i was coming back from work,i met an old friend of mine who asked of my husband .So i explained every thing to him,so he told me that the only way i can get my husband back,is to visit a spell caster,because it has really worked for him too.So i never believed in spell,but i had no other choice,than to follow his advice. Then he gave me the email address of the spell caster whom he visited. I sent a mail to the address he gave to me,and the spell caster assured me that i will get my husband back the next day. What an amazing statement!! I never believed,so he spoke with me, and told me everything that i need to do. Then the next morning, So surprisingly, my husband who didn't call me for the past 7 months, gave me a call to inform me that he is coming back. So Amazing!! So that was how he came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and he apologized for his mistake,and for the pain he caused me and my children. Then from that day,our relationship was now stronger than how it were before,by the help of a spell caster. So, i will advice you out there if you have any problem contact Dr Trust, i give you 100% guarantee that he will help you.. Email him at: [email protected] or [email protected] Call +2348156885231 Web:https://ultimatespellcast9.wixsite.com/dr-trust Thanks for reading.

    • Default
      Guest
      3mo ago

      Hello I am Shirley Morris ,I am out here to spread this good news to the entire world on how I got my ex husband back.I was going crazy when my husband left me and my two kids for another woman last month, But when i met a friend that introduced me to Dr Keke Odin the great messenger to the oracle of Great Keke Spell Temple. I narrated my problem to Dr Keke Odin about how my ex Husband left me and my two kids and also how i needed to get a job in a very big company.He only said to me that i have come to the right place were i will be getting my heart desire without any side effect.He told me what i need to do,After it was been done,24 hours later, My Ex Husband called me on the phone and was saying sorry for living me and the kids before now and one week after my Husband called me to be pleading for forgiveness,I was called for interview in a very big company here in USA were i needed to work as the managing director.. you can contact Dr Keke Odin through the following mean Email: [email protected] Mobile Number: +1 386-336-9876 website: http://greatkekespelltemple01.webs.com

      Hello I am Shirley Morris ,I am out here to spread this good news to the entire world on how I got my ex husband back.I was going crazy when my husband left me and my two kids for another woman last month, But when i met a friend that introduced me to Dr Keke Odin the great messenger to the oracle of Great Keke Spell Temple. I narrated my problem to Dr Keke Odin about how my ex Husband left me and my two kids and also how i needed to get a job in a very big company.He only said to me that i have come to the right place were i will be getting my heart desire without any side effect.He told me what i need to do,After it was been done,24 hours later, My Ex Husband called me on the phone and was saying sorry for living me and the kids before now and one week after my Husband called me to be pleading for forgiveness,I was called for interview in a very big company here in USA were i needed to work as the managing director.. you can contact Dr Keke Odin through the following mean Email: [email protected] Mobile Number: +1 386-336-9876 website: http://greatkekespelltemple01.webs.com

  • Default
    Guest
    3mo ago

    Hello I am Shirley Morris ,I am out here to spread this good news to the entire world on how I got my ex husband back.I was going crazy when my husband left me and my two kids for another woman last month, But when i met a friend that introduced me to Dr Keke Odin the great messenger to the oracle of Great Keke Spell Temple. I narrated my problem to Dr Keke Odin about how my ex Husband left me and my two kids and also how i needed to get a job in a very big company.He only said to me that i have come to the right place were i will be getting my heart desire without any side effect.He told me what i need to do,After it was been done,24 hours later, My Ex Husband called me on the phone and was saying sorry for living me and the kids before now and one week after my Husband called me to be pleading for forgiveness,I was called for interview in a very big company here in USA were i needed to work as the managing director.. you can contact Dr Keke Odin through the following mean Email: [email protected] Mobile Number: +1 386-336-9876 website: http://greatkekespelltemple01.webs.com

    Hello I am Shirley Morris ,I am out here to spread this good news to the entire world on how I got my ex husband back.I was going crazy when my husband left me and my two kids for another woman last month, But when i met a friend that introduced me to Dr Keke Odin the great messenger to the oracle of Great Keke Spell Temple. I narrated my problem to Dr Keke Odin about how my ex Husband left me and my two kids and also how i needed to get a job in a very big company.He only said to me that i have come to the right place were i will be getting my heart desire without any side effect.He told me what i need to do,After it was been done,24 hours later, My Ex Husband called me on the phone and was saying sorry for living me and the kids before now and one week after my Husband called me to be pleading for forgiveness,I was called for interview in a very big company here in USA were i needed to work as the managing director.. you can contact Dr Keke Odin through the following mean Email: [email protected] Mobile Number: +1 386-336-9876 website: http://greatkekespelltemple01.webs.com


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BEA C. PILOTIN
Writer at Thought Catalog, Blogger at Wordpress.com, Featured Author at The Minds Journal & Community Member at Mogul

A Computer Programmer with a passion of books, wines & spirits and good movies. I can often be found inside the bathroom writing and reading. To read more from me, follow me on my Facebook Page https://m.facebook.com/beapilotin/

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