”Wherever life takes you, I wish you nothing but happiness and love. As for me, a day will eventually come that I’d be able to learn the difference between solitude and loneliness. And I will let myself feel beloved on Earth once again.” - Bea C. Pilotin
I did my best but you didn’t love me enough to be poor and unaccepted. I took all the risks of loving you and that’s okay. I have loved you more than everything else in this world that I forgot to leave a little piece of it for myself. I was that incredible super woman who didn’t do anything but love you with all my heart. A love that sees no flaws, find no faults and knows no bounds.
But you see, each time I said I love you, I never begged you to say you love me, too. I never chased you the day when you started walking away. I never forced you to stay. I let you go…to find the happiness you deserve, the happiness you didn’t find in me. I was not ready to watch you go. And that was the time I have realized that love is unfair. It’s like a broken clock’s pendulum. It swings back and forth between solitude and loneliness. It swings back and forth between moments of happiness and pain. And that shit ton of excruciating pain of loneliness and the depth of abandonment was so intense.
I stayed open even if I knew how the hell it hurts. I have tried to find explanations but obviously you were just never there to listen. I never did try to deny the odd pain I felt because I didn’t want to come back to me later and haunt me for the rest of my lifetime. I was a weeping willow who tried to end a blubbering mess in each moment. I felt so arid in the pit of my soul. Yes, I have tried my best to put you out to my system.
You were everywhere. I always see you in all the old familiar places. I was seeing you in every lovely summer’s day. I was finding you in the morning sun and when the night comes, I was looking at the opalescent moon and started seeing you there. Even if I was trying to avoid every place we’ve been to, I can’t run away. I can’t hide. Each song reminded me of your beautiful sleepy — hooded eyes — your beautiful innocent face.
Losing you has been the loss of everything I believed in and hoped for. Each and every corner of this insular world just kept reminding me of you. You were my whole existence but I was only a part of yours.
I know. I know, a part of me died the moment you left me on that winter afternoon, on the last day of December. The brilliant sun had disappeared, its last flickering rays painting the rim of the sky with liquid crimson that bleeds into saffron and purple amethyst and the palest of all lilacs before plopping down behind the dull horizon. That afternoon was the worst time of my life.
Since then, I no longer look at the world in the same way I did when I had you. My life has totally changed. The pain inside me was eternally present all the time. Such loneliness. Such emptiness. Such hollowness. I have tried to rewrite my story but obviously I failed to come up with a good one. Happiness was so difficult to write about than loneliness.
Those were the heavy thoughts for me. But, thank you for the little piece of heaven and that ton of hell you had given me. Thank you for the sight of undulating swing of every day’s crushing sorrow. Because of that, I have learned the ways of love. I might always bury my face into the plump pillow each night to sleep. I might hide myself to the world — no one could see me. I might have those scary nightmares in the middle of the night — no one will wake me up then hug me so tight.
Things could fall to the cracks but I could swear, I’ll take care of myself. For the last time, I am giving myself the permission to shed few more burning tears- to bless my heart and soul with the benediction of healing. I know that you were not always fair but I will let you walk away and move forward into the life full of happiness and love. I know, it torments me waking up each morning with the thought that I will never feel you again beside me. It’s true when they said that the holiest of all holidays are not the ones on our calendars but the one we observe in silence and in private tears.And on this Holiday, I smell the air so crisp for the first time and experience a total eclipse of the heart and the loss of everything.
I can’t go on like this. I will start living a life — to see the beauty in most of the people who will cross path with me. I don’t want to be just this way — a lonely soul at the end of each new day. I deserve a man who cares about me every time — not an option nor a second best. I want a man who is willing to stay and accept me wonderfully and with his whole heart. I want a man who worries when he didn’t hear anything from me all day; who acknowledges a simple message in his inbox and the one who comes through a tornado for me, if he has to.
A man who is proud of me even if I didn’t put my make-up on. I deserve a man who loves those little things about me and the one who is proud to hold my hand and stand by me in public. One day, I will have the courage to try loving a man one more time which right now I doubt if I could. But maybe, just maybe one day soon, things will look different and if ever I’d be able to stick my heart out there again, I want it for the right one- and this time it won’t be you.
I promise you…
I will live my life to the fullest and I will look forward to my future with hope and anticipation. I will never let myself an option again. I will remember you but not the feeling anymore. I will put you away in my heart. Someday, I will forget what it was like kissing you and holding you. One day, I will hear our favorite song being played on the air and even if I know that it will still bring a certain glow…those familiar lines will never be quite the same again. It will just remind me of the man I used to know. Bea C. Pilotin
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A Computer Programmer with a passion of books, wines & spirits and good movies. I can often be found inside the bathroom writing and reading. To read more from me, follow me on my Facebook Page https://m.facebook.com/beapilotin/