Wake up late.
Bonus points if you get out of bed before 9AM. Wrap yourself in a blanket like a human burrito and walk to the bathroom. Try to pee without ruining the blanket by bunching it up around your face. Look at your cat and know she is judging you. Look in the mirror and judge yourself. Think about brushing your hair. Or your teeth. Decide you’d rather judge yourself than put forth any effort.
Walk into the kitchen, still wrapped like a burrito.
Consider the nutritional value of a breakfast burrito before settling on Lucky Charms. Have a small panic attack while pouring it into the bowl that you may be out of milk. Use up the last remaining drops and promise yourself you’ll go to the grocery store. Or hope that tomorrow you’ll have enough energy to make a breakfast burrito.
Make a large cup of coffee knowing it will get cold before you can finish it.
Convince yourself you like cold coffee even though you don’t. Be thankful that there’s no one here to judge you, except your cat who is always sitting next to your feet. Wonder if the cat is secretly sending information about you to the FBI. Or your parents. Decide that your parents would probably be worse, but they would have definitely brought up your hygiene habits by now if they knew. Pat your cat on the head for her loyalty.
Get back into bed with your breakfast.
Hold your bowl of cereal directly under your face but still manage to spill it down your shirt. Briefly wonder if you can put this skill on your resume. Scroll through Instagram and tell yourself you need to have a life aesthetic. Check the pictures on your phone and only find blurry selfies, pictures of your cat, and Taylor Swift gifs. Give up on Instagram. Scroll through Twitter and make a note-to-self to be funny. Start typing a new tweet and realize you have nothing interesting to say. Give up on Twitter.
Grab a pen and paper to make a to-do list.
Try to be ambitious and write down ‘work out,’ ‘grocery store,’ and ‘laundry.’ Stare out the window instead. Make a beat by clicking your pen. Yawn and debate going back to sleep. Take a sip of your coffee. Put it down because it’s way too cold to drink.
Watch makeup videos on Youtube until you’re inspired to get out of bed.
Put in your contacts. Wash your face. Pop your zits. Brush your teeth. Consider stopping here. Remember that FedEx is dropping off a package today for something you ordered in a moment of weakness and can’t actually afford. Tell yourself you’ll return it. Start getting dressed and wonder if the FedEx guy would notice if you weren’t wearing a bra. Put on leggings and and a sweatshirt. Decide to put on the bra.
Sit down to put on makeup and wonder if there is any way this process could take less than 30 minutes.
Put on foundation that’s too dark for you because you haven’t been out in the sun in a while. Overcompensate with concealer until you look like a ghost. Overcompensate with bronzer until you’re back where you started. Finish your makeup and wonder why you bothered to do this at all.
Take your leftover breakfast and cold coffee to the kitchen.
Rinse out the dishes and put them in the dishwasher. Feel like a boss for having your life together. Open up the fridge and look past all the food that should have been thrown out a while ago. Settle on a pickle and some turkey for lunch. Tell yourself you’re on a diet.
Freak out when the doorbell rings.
Stay still and hide for a few minutes so you don’t have to make any human contact. Creep to a window to ensure your visitor is gone. Walk to the door and grab your package quickly so you’re not exposed to the outside for too long. Take the package to your room and cut it open. Decide you don’t need it but it’s already here so you might as well keep it. It would be so much effort to return it anyway. Throw the box on the floor and take off your bra.
Get back into bed and put on a season of your favorite show.
Lose track of time as you watch episode after episode while scrolling through your social media feeds. Look at your bedside table and wonder where all the candy wrappers came from. It couldn’t have been you. You’re on a diet. Look at your cat sleeping on your bed and judge her for being weak. Scratch her ears as an apology for judging her. Get rid of the evidence by burying the wrappers in the trash and covering it up with tissues.
Walk to the kitchen to make dinner.
Tell yourself to make vegetables but decide chicken nuggets sound better. Be a rebel and put them in the toaster oven before it’s preheated. Pick up your phone and consider texting a friend. Put your phone down when you realize they might ask you to go somewhere. Think of a good excuse just in case. Settle on “my cat ate candy and I have to watch her and make sure she throws it up and doesn’t die.” Hope your cat doesn’t take it out on you that you made her your scapegoat. Briefly wonder how you became so dramatic.
Take your food back to your room to eat it.
Inevitably spill food on your bed and wonder how many times you’ve done that. Try to remember the last time you washed your sheets. Remember that this is why you don’t have a boyfriend. Or friends. Or a life. Put your dinner on your bedside table and know that you probably won’t take it to the kitchen tonight. Cover it with tissues so your cat can’t eat it.
Turn your show back on and tell yourself you’ll try harder tomorrow.
Pick up your phone and wonder why you only have 10% battery left. Plug it into the charger as though its life depends on it. Feel good that you saved a life today. Tell yourself that tomorrow you’ll to grocery shopping. And do the laundry. Lay down and watch TV until you fall asleep. Bonus points if it’s after 10PM. Dream about your cat secretly spying on you and telling your parents about it.
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