We’ve taken a look at strange animal mating rituals before—but we just couldn’t stop with those few. There are too many to list. So next time you’re upset about your dating life, just be thankful you aren’t one of these animals (or maybe wince at some of the similarities).
Hooded Seals: Apparently the hottest guy hooded seal is the one with the biggest….nasal balloon (not where you thought that was going). To impress the female, the male will blow up his nasal balloon like bubblegum and bounce around to show off. These can get as big as the seal’s head. As big as a head? If you’re like someone I know, and the most action you’ve gotten the past few months is your appointment last week at the gyno, thinking of anything sexual the size of a head is terrifying.
Praying Mantis: These gals bring a whole new meaning to the song “Maneater.” We all know how a good sex sesh can work up an appetite, but for the praying mantis, her meal is literally her partner. Don’t worry—she’ll start with his head so he doesn’t have to see himself getting eaten alive. And in true male fashion, he’ll keep going at it while being eaten alive. But don’t worry male mantises; this only happens about 16% of the time. I’m sure that’s a statistic any guy would find worth going for.
White Fronted Parrot: These little lovebirds like to show their attraction just like we do—making out. But instead of slipping the tongue, once the male is aroused, this dirty bird will puke into the female’s mouth instead. (Is this a flashback from that night at the college bar after one too many tequila sunrises?!) But no hard feelings! The female sees this as a sign of intimacy. I don’t think there’s a need to be that intimate, guys…
Bowerbird: The bowerbird might be a little OCD, but it’s for the female’s benefit. This little guy devotes his time to building a beautiful little structure called a bower, which is usually shaped like a little hut. He might have a theme to it and can go as far as stealing from other bowers to get objects that he wants for his own, all to impress the female. I think I’ve dated a few guys that can take some cleaning and decorating tips from this bird.
Argentine Lake Duck: This tiny 17 inch duck isn’t so cute and innocent. This lil’ guy’s “lil’ guy” is also 17 inches long. The corkscrew shape of the Argentine Lake Duck’s member seems to be a part of evolutionary attraction for the female. Not interested? Too bad, because he can lasso the female with his penis if she tries to escape. WTF.
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