Relationships are a lot like a new Marc Jacobs bag… hear us out. Potentially, you’re gonna be stuck with this particular individual for the rest of your life. You can’t commit unless you’re certain it’s what you want. I mean, there could be a lot wrong with it… the shade of peach is too light, the length of the strap is too long, the snap is too gold, etc., etc. Like a new handbag, there’s a lot that can be wrong with an individual. So, we’ve put together some of the most ridiculous, yet ingenious reasons for breaking up with your SO, all inspired by one of our fav ’90s sitcoms, Seinfeld. We hope you’ll feel totally justified for your last breakup. It may have seemed petty, but just like these real-life guys, we get it: it has to be perfect.
We’ve all seen this one – constant chewing with an open mouth, smacking lips, noises far too loud to warrant ANY dish. At its worst, it feels like you’re dating the cookie monster. We think Jerry puts it best and also agrees its grounds for automatic dismissal. “We were having dinner the other night, and she’s got this strangest habit. She eats her peas one at a time. You’ve never seen anything like it. It takes her an hour to finish them”. We’re with Jerry on this one. How can you take them to a good restaurant? Or worse still, grab a quick bite before the big game. Totally justifiable.
You constantly have to slow your pace down so you don’t lose your date. It can be exhausting. And think what would happen at Black Friday? You’d surely miss out on all the best deals. Nope, can’t have this. Just like Elaine Benes, we totally understand how exhausting it can be to deal with people who just aren’t at your pace. I mean, this is a lifelong commitment we’re talking about.
Dating a vegetarian? There’s only so many times you can go to In-N-Out without their being burned out on grilled cheeses. Or seeing someone who’s going gluten free? That creates quite a limit on restaurant options. Food is everything. Just like the cast from Seinfeld knows:
Elaine: Who wouldn’t taste a pie?
Elaine: Dump her.
Jerry: Boy, I never broke up with anyone for not tasting pie???
Elaine: I once broke up with someone for not offering me pie.
It’s one thing if you know the words and you just have never taken singing lessons in your life. I mean, that’s the majority of America. It’s another thing all together if they absolutely do not know the lyrics and are still trying to sing along. There are plenty of unfortunate scenarios when someone’s singing is just not bearable. In those cases, just pull the old George Costanza line on them: “It’s not you, it’s me.” I mean, it’s not their sining, it’s just your not being able to deal with it.
How is one supposed to be in a mature, functional relationship when your SO texts “lyk dis”? Abbreviations and text lingo are just not the thing anymore. Not for middle school girls, not for your middle-aged mother, and certainly not for your significant other. Seinfeld knows, when it’s over, it’s over.
George: You would not believe what just happened. I was waiting for you and this woman was sitting at the counter.
Elaine: What, the one who just left?
George: Yeah, yeah, and we started talking, and she’s this lawyer who’s incredible! Everything I said was funny! You know, she laughed at everything I said, she thinks I’m hilarious. You know in a way, it was almost too good. I started so good, I can’t go any place but down now, ya know? I got no place to go.
Elaine: Yeah, well, I guess it’s all over.
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