One thing on top of another. It doesn’t stop. The list goes on. Its a matter of which one affects me more. But they do all affect me. In different levels. It hits me. In different ways. And at the end of the day, I couldn’t feel anything anymore. Which is great. So I don’t have to worry about too much. Then it becomes a norm. Then I change. Then it cuts deeper and deeper until I couldn’t manage to keep up anymore. Yes, I have been trying to endure the pain. I have been trying to see the bright side. I have been trying to fake how I really feel. I have been ignoring the fact that I AM NOT OKAY. Im not okay. I really am not okay. I wish I am. Or at least I wish I was. But i’m really not.
This was all part of the build up. The feelings that I have been ignoring. You know its deep when you cry hysterically whenever you’re not with anyone. When heart is so heavy its super hard to breathe. When you keep on thinking before you sleep that you not enough. Like there’s nothing you can do to be better. That sleep is the only time you get to be happy. When everything is calm and everything is much more manageable. When you’re so desperate for someone to comfort you with a hug.
I know what sadness feels like. I know what being tired feels like. I know how being unappreciated feels like. I know how it feels not being enough. I know how it feels when you can’t control your own life. I know these feelings and I recognize it. Its just harder when all of these happens at the same time. I can only take so much. And this is just all too much for me. Its too much.